The Great Saphenous

Fin

2006-07-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

This is it.

I've run out of ways to make the same thing sound interesting over and over again, so I'm going to stop writing. Yeah, that's right, I give up. Sometimes the best move a strategist can make is to surrender.

I'm not going to lie to you (no impugnment intended) and say that I may or may not come back in the future. I'm done. Period.

Special thanks to J. Star, Tyrel, Suleyman, M, Q, Adeline's mom, Fitèna, Amanda, labmonkie, Best Friend Arthur, and anyone else who read my blog religiously but chose not to comment for whatever reason.

The Infarction.

Success?

2006-06-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

I might have gotten some luck in the summer job search. Red Robin is "desperate" for bussers.

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IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

Get To It!

2006-06-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

My new favorite soda is Vault. It reminds me of the good ol' days when soda companies added potentially dangerous chemicals to their beverages rather than remove them. Remember Josta? Yeah, those were the good ol' days.

Still, there are some people who should never drink Vault or anything like it. I went to the grocery store today to get some stuff for my mom. While I was there, I got a 1-liter of Vault. At check-out, some weird guy who looked really, really wired asked me, "Hey! Hey! Dude! Where did you get that huge bottle of Vault?! That's so awesome! Where did you get it!?!" I should mention that he was already holding a large, open can of Full Throttle.

Humanity Is Funny

2006-06-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

That's the one thing I've learned from watching Paranoia Agent. I haven't actually watched every episode--much less consecutively--but I still get the general message. I would really like to see the whole thing from beginning to end so that I can see what the whole thing is about. It's really interesting.

2006-06-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

First of all, congratulations to the Carolina Hurricanes on winning the Stanley Cup.

Second, I have been really really bored today, so I made some baseball stats for my blog. I only have about as many at-bats as a bench player gets in a single season, but my batting average screams Ty 2.0. Lets see if you guys can figure out what those things actually mean.

Fútbol Otra Vez

2006-06-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hoy, estoy viendo España contra Tunez. Alguien de Tunez acaba de conseguir un gol, y el comentarista dijo, "Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol. Gol." en vez de, "¡Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool!" Eso es la diferencia. En Estados Unidos, los comentaristas de deportes tratan de encontrar frases propias que sean únicas e interesantes; los hispanohablantes sólamente buscan maneras diferentes de decir, "¡Gol!" Ellos tienen que ser más creativos. Creo que hay número finito de maneras de decir eso.

BOXMASTER 1000! The Latest In Flying Wooden Crate Technology

2006-06-19T02:36:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, happy Fathers' Day to all the daddies out there.

Flickr says, "Ni Hao The Great Saphenous!"

You're not very good at speaking Chinese, are you Flickr?

I woke up this morning at about 10:30 after about five hours of sleep. You do the math. What has caused such restlessness, you ask?

Garry's Mod for Half-Life 2, that's what! That thing is addictive and contributing to my lack of blogging.

By the way, I'm sorry I've only posted once in the last two weeks. Another thing that's inhibitive of blogging happens to be a lack of a working computer, and I have had such a lack for a while now. Fortunately, all is well now, and everything seems to be working properly. I still have to post on Bl'odeo at some point, and there hasn't been any new material on the Lesser for the last two months. In other words, I've still got a lot of updating to do.

Fútbol

2006-06-16T13:06:00.000-07:00

Ahora mismo, estoy viendo el partido de fútbol entre México y Angola en Univisión. Acaba de empezar el segundo tiempo, y todavía no ha habido ningún gol. Espero que México venza.

Japanese For "Yummy"

2006-06-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

Dan Majerle-style shout out to Liz, the Cheesecake Factory server. Holla!

Want more people to notice (and remember) you? Do weird stuff with your hair. Trust me. Everyone at the BOB knows who I am because I used to have blue hair, except now it's kind of greenish. Liz The Cheesecake Factory Server recognized me immediately when I had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory last night. My social life has grown tenfold just because I changed my hair color.

Guess what I ate at the game today. If you guessed tuna nigiri, you are exactly correct. But wait, that's not the weirdest part! I got it at a Panda Express. I know that sushi was invented in China, but isn't it normally considered a Japanese food? Something just seemed odd about eating nigiri and fortune cookies at a baseball game.

By the way, is it weird that I hate fish but love tuna sashimi?

The Suns, They Have Set

2006-06-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

For me, the 2005-2006 basketball season finally ended tonight. Those Darned Mavs beat the Suns in Phoenix tonight. It's been a really crappy season for my myocardium to be sure. The Suns were supposed to be a bad team this season without Amaré Stoudemire, but instead they were a great team without Amaré Stoudemire, Kurt Thomas, and Brian Grant. Last season, they won 62 great games. This season, they won 54 fugly games.

Next season will be better. It should be basically the same team next year, except everyone will be healty. Hopefully. You can't have two injury-filled seasons in a row, can you? That's against the rules, isn't it?

Oasis > All

2006-06-01T23:26:00.000-07:00

Q asks, "where and when by who was baseball invented and why??? What was the colour of his/her eyes."

Baseball tradition states that it was invented by Major General Abner Doubleday in Cooperstown, New York in 1839. Recently though, a bunch of evidence has surfaced that rejects that. Baseball could have been invented as early as the mid-18th century. The only thing that is certain about baseball's invention is that it was created somewhere in the United States. And no, I don't know why baseball was invented or what color Doubleday's eyes were. And in case you were wondering, the first professional baseball team was the Cincinnati Reds in 1869. And yes, I did write a research paper on the origins of baseball a couple of years ago.

British Vote Oasis Album Best of All. Damn skippy. No offense to any Beatles fans out there, but Oasis is better.

Slammin'

2006-05-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

Since I have nary a thing to do at the moment and it would be a sin to go to bed at only 11:00, I'm going to blog some more.

Baseball trivia! Stuff that happened in baseball history on my birthday (September 20):

1992: Mickey Morandini (I know him!) of the Philadelphia Phillies made only the 9th unassisted triple play in professional baseball history when I turned four years old. As it turns out, my dad was the starting pitcher for the Phillies in that game. Go figure.
1998: After playing in an MLB-record 2632 consecutive games, Cal Ripken sat on the bench for the first time since May 29, 1982. Mientras, yo cumplía 10 años.

That was...a worthy way of wasting about 10 minutes.

IDEA! Since I'm bored and a wealth of baseball trivia knowledge, someone try to stump me with random baseball questions.

Agar And Aghast

2006-05-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today I did nothing. Just sat for the most part. And picked at the zits on my face.

I started to reminisce on freshman Biology class. My favorite part of that class was growing bacteria cultures. That gave me the most awesome idea. If I had my own nutrient medium and incubator, I could grow colonies of face germs. That would be cool.

Note to self: Must search for biology supplies at the local Walmart at nearest convenience.

Killing Me Softly With His Saw

2006-05-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

Computer problems galore. I swear, this thing just hissed at me. I'm convinced that this thing has some kind of physical damage to its hard drive. Every once in a while, the disk seems to jam, and it makes all kinds of nasty buzzing and humming sounds. It runs extremely slow. I got my first Blue Screen Of Death yesterday. This morning, I couldn't even get into Windows in Safe Mode, which just doesn't happen. I've been messing with BIOS and CMOS all day, and I eventually figured that nothing was going to work and recovered the hard drive. "Recovery" is a nice way of saying I cleared all of the stuff off of it and pretended like it was a brand-new computer. Yeah, right. It's running fine now, but I know that it's not going to stay like this. I have to backup my downloaded music collection now because this will be the last time I can use my iTunes account on a "different" computer, and they don't like people sharing downloaded music. After that, I'll just have to wait it out until I can discuss new hard drives/computers with Dad.

Thankfully, I still have a big book of Sudoku puzzles to keep me occupied while my computer laughs at me. That can only last so long though. I've already finished 34 of the 944 puzzles.

And mangoes. I have plenty of mangoes to eat. Except they're not ripe yet, so not really.

I need a break.

I had a dream last night in which I destroyed my stupid computer with various power tools. It was nice. Except when I got electrocuted.

Fauxhawkery

2006-05-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

The fauxhawk. It's a mohawk for people who don't want to shave their head. It's like Splenda (It tastes like sugar because it's made from sugar! Except it's not sugar! Yay!!!). Aras Baskauskas has one. Jake Voskuhl had one when he played for the Suns. Fauxhawked Substitute Teacher has one. Even Best Friend Derek has one. I've been avoiding the 'do because of its sheer futility, but today was the last day of school, so futility was not an issue.

By the way...

School's out for summer!

Sorry, I was just looking for an excuse to put an Alice Cooper photo on my blog. I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings.

Bad Luck And Extreme Misfortune Will Infest Your Pathetic Soul For All Eternity

2006-05-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

I went to the Diamondbacks game today. Tonight was Johnny Estrada bobblehead night at the BOB, and I had big plans to use my free bobblehead as a good luck charm for next week's semester exams.

Chase Field (formerly called Bank One Ballpark--hence "the BOB") has the most diverse food selection of any ballpark I've ever been to, and I've been to a lot of ballparks. For today's mid-game meal, I went to Panda Express and had some not-really Chinese food. Like any other Chinese meal, it came with a fortune cookie, which made me think of tonight's featured Rocko episode.

The D-backs absolutely eradicated the Braves 13-0, and Brandon Webb got a CGSO and the best pitching record in the MLB at 7-0. The good luck charm gets gooder and gooder.

For someone else. Some butthead stole my Johnny Estrada bobblehead. Do you have any idea what that means? When you lose a good luck charm, all of the luck that would have been good for you is now bad for you. That was the biggest blowout I have ever seen in person, which means I'm dead next week. If I don't find another Johnny Estrada bobblehead by Monday morning, I have abolutely no chance of doing even remotely well on finals. So, I'm going on a quest tomorrow. I will get my good luck charm.

D-Backs 5/21/06

2006-05-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

Jumbotron message of the night:

Dare I say? EN FUEGO!!!

D-backs up 4-0, bottom of the 6th

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World War I: Done To Death

2006-05-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

I had a test on World War I in History today. I swear, I know that war like the back of my hand. I finished the entire four-page test in about five minutes, and I didn't even study. I've been reading and studying and watching this war like crazy in all of my social science classes over the last six years. I even read All Quiet on the Western Front and watched two different versions of the movie in my freshman English class. I know World War I.

Fauxhawked Substitute Teacher subbed in Calc class today. He's cool. He let us play hangman on the whiteboard and do funny stuff with helium balloons. Don't ask.

I'm out of here. Going to Phoenix for the weekend to watch some D-backs games and hang out with people. Bye.

Trescientos

2006-05-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

You know, for a while there, I was actually considering shutting down this blog (GASP!), but then I decided there was no point in doing that.

This is Great Saphenous post #300.

I received a letter in the mail today notifying me that I had been nominated for a spot on the National Dean's List. Which is weird because I'm not a college student. So, tomorrow I'm going to have a conversation with my counsellor about why I'm among the top 99.5 percentile of American university scholars even though I've never even stepped foot inside a college classroom. Not that I'm not flattered or anything; it's just weird.

I asked Wagoner for a letter of recommendation today. She seemed either happy to oblige or obliged to be happy. In other words, nothing out of the ordinary. Still on my list are Mr. Fenderson, Jeanette, and Mrs. Yeager from 7th grade History. Apparently, I'm Mrs. Yeager's favorite student of all time; SHE asked ME if she could write a letter of recommendation for me. I wasn't exactly about to refuse.

Still don't have my laptop back yet. It's been about a month now, if not more. I swear, ever since I got that thing, I've spent more time without a computer than with one. Sadly, that might actually be the truth.

A Message To My Readers

2006-05-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

This blog is first and foremost a personal journal for its author. The most important person on the blog is the writer. Keeping the readers' interest is important but secondary. I am not sorry if that offends anyone. It's my blog, and I can do what I want with it, and I don't have to answer to any of you.

Monday Is A Very Dangerous Day

2006-05-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

Strict DMV Instructor: As far as I'm concerned, you're all WILD PIGS!!!!!

Wild Pig: I'm a wild pig!

Strict DMV Instructor: SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!

I walked into Calc class late today, in the middle of HB lecturing everyone on how tired she was of everyone constantly being tardy. Major props to Rocko for helping me to illustrate the situation.

Look At Me! I'm Trendy!

2006-05-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

RC says, "mi-i and mi-ii didn't get any noms...not even for special effects, sound editing or anything...do you think this one has a better shot?"

It's doubtful, but you never know. 3 was much more fast-paced and frantic than the first two movies, and I thought that the visual effects adapted perfectly to the upgrade. A cinematography and/or editing nom might be nice, but I'm not exactly holding my breath. Besides, I thought that Running Scared was better in both of those categories.Dear readers, mango is making a comeback. For the last few years, the most fashionable fruit has been the pomegranate. Indeed, even I got swept into Pom Mania, consuming everything from pomegranate Vitamin Water to pomegranate fragrance to pomegranate salad to pomegranate vermin repellant. This year, however, the world of high fruit fashion is shifting to the slightly more conservative mango. So, while you guys are all out walking around in your 2005 couture with your 2005 iPod Nanos and your 2005 pomegranate energy drinks, I'll be ridin' around in my 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse with my 2003 iPod-sans-video, my 1995 Oasis CD, and my 2006 mango sorbet smoothie. That is how cool I am.

God, how I love Oasis.

I got to smash a cat on the head with a hammer yesterday. Don't worry, it was already dead!

This Post Will Self-Destruct In Five Seconds

2006-05-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, it's May, and you know what that means: Summer Movie Mega-Explosion Boom! '06 has begun! Every year, between the months of May and September, Holywood (with one L) releases an incredible number of big-budget, crowd-pleasing movies that can only be described onomatopoetically; hence, Summer Movie Mega-Explosion Boom! That's what they sound like and look like. Anyways....

I'm going to do Summer Movie Mega-Explosion Boom! differently this year. I'm actually going to make a list of all of the movies I plan on seeing this summer.

I actually saw Mission: Impossible 3 today. Wow. Actioney. That movie was so actioney that I had no idea what the hell was happening about half the time. Academy Award™ Winner Philip Seymour Hoffman distractedly terrorizes Academy Award™ Nominee Tom Cruise for two hours in what will surely not be an Academy Award™-Winning film in spite of the fact that it was awesome. Can you blame them, though? Anyways, unless you have some kind of photosensitive palsy or something, you should see this movie.

Ass Probe

2006-05-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

I think this is what they call the calm before the storm. Today was a very content day. My hair turned out more black than purple, so everyone thought that it was back to normal. I got a perfect score plus extra credit on the outline for my research paper on Alexander Pope, and BW actually used it as an example for what everyone else was doing wrong. I spent just about all day cubing, and I got my fastest time down to 1:22. That's the calm.

Tomorrow and Wednesday will be the storm. I have not one but two AP tests: One for Spanish tomorrow, and one for Calculus Wednesday. AP tests are considered the apexes (apices? apezera? potato? I give up on this whole plural thing) of standardized tests. They last from 8 to 1, and they are hardcore. Prestigious universities award credit for mediocre scores on these tests. That is how hardcore they are. And I'm taking two of them.

You will watch What About Brian. It is totally awesome. It is much better than CSI: Miami. You will watch What About Brian.

The Droppings Make It Even Better

2006-04-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

Zee Sam Goody, she is closed. It's official. I went to the mall today, and it was gone. I checked online, and I found out that the nearest operational Sam Goody is in Mesa, about 100 miles away. Oh sob! Lament! Bemoan! Where will I go now to be able to not find any music that I would actually listen to?

While I was at the mall, I went to the Wildflower Bread Company for lunch. Gotta say, that is some good sandwich. Out-of-the-box too. Think about it: Where else do they garnish their dishes with sandwich dung? Where else do they serve their soup with fresh sourdough instead of crackers? Even Quizno's can't compete with that.

And yet there's still another sandwich place that's even better. It's a local place called Nita's. Get this: Hoagies and yogurt. How is it that no one ever came up with this idea before? Sure, there have been restaurants that have served both sandwiches and frozen yogurt before, but they've never shared the spotlight. It's really quite ingenious. Plus, all of the sandwiches and yogurt are made right there, in store, and they are really good.

I saw Akeelah and the Bee today, and you should too. If you've been to Starbuck's recently, you know that they are totally into this movie. As it turns out, they produced it. Yeah, I know. It's being advertised as a family movie, but I didn't get the family-movie feeling from it. It's way too intelligent to be a family movie. I can definitively say that the adults in the audience will enjoy this movie as much as--if not more than--the kids.

Out with the orange, and in with the purple. After yet another haircut/dye job combo today, my hair now looks more like a plum than my shirt. As Irish as I am, I am a very superstitious person, and this new coloration will serve as an aid for the Calculus and Spanish AP test I have to take Tuesday and Wednesday of this week.

Thursday Is A Very Dangerous Day

2006-04-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a Rocko kind of day. We'll get to that in a little while.

First of all, I would like to point out that today is The Great Saphenous' birthday. The Great Saphenous is officially one year old. Happy birthday, little buddy.

Yesterday was all about Teen Court. I was defending a person that I knew from school. He will hereafter be referred to as The Defendant. Due to Teen Court policy, I can't identify him by name, but I still feel like I have to identify him somehow. Hence The Defendant. The Defendant is one of the most popular people in school, although he's more popular for being the guy who hosts all the best parties rather than for having the popular pedigree. He is a very charismatic person; he could probably talk his way out of quicksand if it would listen. Basically, either you like him or you hate him. Prosecution (Stacey and Freddie, in case you're keeping track) hated him; defense (Amy A. and I) was split. Before we get to that part, we need some more back story.

Teen Court was a mess yesterday. Originally, Tejana and Anastasia were scheduled to be the defense counsel. Tejana arrived at Teen Court looking like she felt like she had been run over by a bus, and Anastasia simply failed to show up. Kellie took Tejana home. So, for those keeping track, three of our four expert defense attorneys are out of play. That just left me. I typically dislike taking cases without preparation, but yesterday something had caused me to feel like flowers and butterflies and sunshine and puppies and candy and the color yellow, blended into some sort of strange Amalgam of Happiness. Before I had a chance to request the case, however, I found out that it had already been reassigned. Jeanette said that if she had to change the docket one more time, she would totally freak out. Amy A. told me that she felt uncomfortable taking a case impromptu. I asked her who she was teamed up with, and she said Passive Freshman Girl.

I call her Passive Freshman Girl because I'm not that motivated to remember her real name. A few weeks ago, we were on a jury together, and the whole time she was trying to feed me ideas without having to say anything herself. Finally, I spoke up and said that Passive Freshman Girl had an idea. She abashedly mumbled her input, and it went largely unconsidered. She told me that I should have brought the idea up because 1) I've been here longer than anyone else and everyone listens to me, and 2) no one listens to her because she's Passive. I told her that 1) Stacey has been here longer than me, and 2) everyone listens to everyone else here as long as they stand up for their own views. Although I must now admit that she did have a point.

I decided that the pairing of Amy A.--a rookie attorney who hasn't even completed her training yet--and Passive Freshman Girl--a passive freshman girl--would have been an absolute infarction and intervened. Since I'm special, Jeanette didn't mind much when I told her to replace Passive Freshman Girl with me on the docket.

At this point, Amy A., Stacey, and Freddie had already interviewed The Defendant. They filled me in on the details and said that I could interview him if I wanted to. The thing is, their interview didn't go so well. In their interview, The Defendant stated that he had "hurled a fatty boulder out of [his] truck and totally demolished this speed trap that had been sitting there for, like, six weeks and pissing [him] off." As I said before, I already knew The Defendant before the trial, and I knew a lot more about him than I think they did. First of all, he's smart. Yes, he is an idiot, but he's smart about it. When I say smart, I don't mean good grades smart. I mean he's a fucking genius who doesn't apply himself. I asked Prosecution if I could do my own interview, and they agreed.

I interviewed The Defendant. Another thing about The Defendant: He doesn't like to converse with groups of people. My interview went much more smoothly than the first one. He actually assured me that he really was remorseful for his actions. Most of the time, I have to ask if my client is remorseful; this guy just kind of blurted it out.

One more thing you should know about The Defendant: He is very very good at improvising lies. I'm not sure how to explain this in a way that a normal person can understand it. There are different kinds of liars. Impulsive liars lie because of mistakes that they make. Compulsive liars lie because they are affraid that what they do is wrong. Con artists, like The Defendant, lie because it's fun. Notice the difference. Impulsive and compulsive liars lie out of fear; con artists lie for recreation. They study the truth and learn to imitate it. These people are intrapersonal and introspective. They are very good at what they do because they know exactly what they are doing. I'm the same way, and I can be a very deceitful person if you make me mad. There are two ways to catch con artists: Catch them red-handed, or think like them. I think like he does, so it was a no-brainer for me.

Prosecution brought in the arresting cop. It was already an open-and-shut case for them, but I guess they decided to pour salt on the wound.

Pre-trial motions. Prosecution motioned to allow the cop to testify. I wished I had an objection. Motion granted. Prosecution motioned to bring The Defendant's prior record into testimony. I objected that The Defendant's prior offenses had nothing to do with this case (they really didn't). Motion denied, under the condition that I don't bring up the issue of remorse beyond the question of "Are you sorry for what you have done?" Fair enough; I always thought that was a bullshit issue anyways.

During the trial, Prosecution caught the Defendant red-handed, but not horribly so. I objected my ass off. I might have set a new record for objections raised during a Teen Court trial, and the funny thing is that they were all sustained. At the end of the hearing, as The Defendant was leaving the courtroom, he told me, "You know, you could have objected to some of the stuff the cop said as hearsay." I thought about how to tell him to shove it, but before I had a chance, Stacey and Freddie both told him not to tell me how to do my job. This was Stacey's very last case. In the four years that she has been going to Teen Court, she had never had an opposing attorney successfully object to any of her questions. I had four objections sustained against her. Prosecution may have won the actual case, but I won the competition for Best Attorney.

After the sentence was read and The Defendant was leaving the courtroom for the final time, he told me, "I always liked you Tyler." That smug son of a bitch; I almost like him too.

Which brings us to today. Whatever horrible virus supercharged my endorphin levels yesterday was still doing its thing to me today. As I was recycling some old papers in Calc class, I thought I made up this song:

R-E-C-Y-C-L-E, recycle!
C-O-N-S-E-R-V-E, conserve!
Don't P-O-L-L-U-T-E, pollute the land, the sky or sea,
Or else you will get what you deserve!

I didn't. It's from Rocko's Modern Life, like so many other good things in my life.

While I was walking around the parking lot during lunch today, The Defendant drove up to me.

The Defendant: "Hey Tyler! Great job attorney-ing last night, man!"

Me: "Uh, thanks.... Great job, um, defendant-ing."

The Defendant: "Ha ha, thanks!"

I'm really not sure what to think. He approached me about three different times today to thank me for the job I did, but I think there's a hidden message here. I understand him, and I know he knows that I understand him. I can't tell whether he's playing some kind of convoluted mind game with me or sincerely thanking me. I think that's the point. What reason would he have for wanting to confuse me like this? The problem with knowing how people like this work is never being certain of anything.

During Physics, the conversation spreading around class had absolutely no direction. One minute we were talking about dolphins, then pine cones, then skyscrapers, then the differences between rocks and fish ("They're really quite astronomical."). I just sort of spaced out at one point and started saying, "Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby," in a bored voice. I thought I was being original. I wasn't. Rocko again.

So, since this has been such a Rocko kind of day--and since today is The Great Saphenous' birthday--I'm going the temporarily bring back an old segment that was actually started on The Great Saphenous' half-birthday.

Shows That Are Apparently Better Than Rocko: The Nanny, Season Two. Come on, admit it: You love the sound of Fran Drescher's voice. Oh, and her laugh! The most beautiful laugh in the world. This 90's sitcom is one hell of a ride. If you like cheap slapstick comedy, strange sexual tension, and British people, go buy The Nanny on DVD and forget that you are living in a world where bad shows get DVD's and good shows don't.

Un Buen Dia

2006-04-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very good day in general. I can't really explain it. My chemical imbalance is doing weird stuff.

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Bobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobo

2006-04-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

I really don't get some brands of anime. Take Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo. Freaky. I just don't get it. All I know is that it is funny. I think. I'm really not sure whether I should be laughing or not. It's just so much easier to watch simpler animes like Cowboy Bebop and Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. I don't have to think. I prefer to save my brain cells for stuff that doesn't cause them to short out and explode. With those shows, all you get is a bunch of mindless violence that doesn't take any mental capacity to comprehend; you know it's mindless violence. Period. With Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo, the title character uses his nose hair to fight. It took me about five episodes to figure this out. I just don't get it. And yet, I think I like it somehow.

I got a massive headache trying to write this post, by the way. I hope you're happy.

Pussy Pussy

2006-04-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but I just couldn't help it this time.

Anatomy class has finally reached my least favorite unit of the year: The reproductive system. If you are a male person in an Anatomy class, you have to know every single little piece in that area. If you don't, you have shamed yourself and must therefore cower in the corner in embarassment. I'm the head lab assistant, which means the pressure is even greater for me. Of course, such pressure isn't real; it comes from within. It's like one's senses of exaggeration, inquietude, and humility are all supercharged at the same time. Basically, I'm just a big pussy pussy pussy. Apologies again; I can't help myself.

Just Blogging For Blogging's Sake

2006-04-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

It's funny how this whole blogging thing seems to turn out. I've been on a roll with my blogging lately, yet almost every single person on my blogroll is away. Conversely, whenever I take a break, it seems like I'm the only one, and that makes me feel very guilty. It's a communal kind of obligation that is just there, even if no one talks about it.

The Suns won their first game of the playoffs today. So, that's one down, 15 to go.

Man, blogging for blogging's sake. It takes me back to when I used to go several months without taking a break. Those were the good old days.

Mmm, Tasty!

2006-04-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Celebrity Cooking Showdown for some reason. This thing is a gold mine for snarking. Tonight, the "master chefs" are cooking instead of the...a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i...Q-list celebrities. Wolfgang Puck's dessert is called "Orgasmic Chocolate Balls."
Of course, what would a celebrity competition show be without a brainless audience. When each of the dishes was announced the audience erupted into applause. Yay! More great food that we will be watching the judges eat! I am so excited!

Plus, the contestants have to prepare and complete their dishes in under 50 minutes. After all, W-list celebrities with no knowledge of food preparation always cook better under duress. Tonight's "master chefs" only get 40 minutes because they are "master chefs" and can cook just as well as you, ten minutes faster.

The judges are just as bad. They have this lady with a horribly large hat who thinks she's Paula Abdul. You know, with the You're All Winners attitude and the removed demeanor and the fact that I want to do evil things when I hear her voice. Then there's the other one. This guy likes to get the audience going with ridiculously non-descriptive comments.

Judge Dude: "This food rocks!"

Audience: "Huzzah! Overused hyperbole!"

...

Judge Dude: "I think the real winners are America!"

Audience: "Woohoo! America!"

I'm definitely glad that this is the last episode. I am so over this.

What People Said About My Red-Orange Hair

2006-04-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

Sierra C.: "Wow, it matches your shirt."

Jenny B.: "Hey, did you color it so that it would match your shirt?"

Clif B.: "Wow, your hair looks a lot like your shirt."

Jaret: "Dude, your hair and your shirt are, like, the same color."

Jenny W.: "Oh my gosh, I thought that was your shirt at first [yeah, like I wear my shirt on my head.]"

There's more, but I won't go on. I'm never wearing a red shirt again.

Flu-In-U-Enza OR Stooping To The Level Of Plagiarizing Post Titles

2006-04-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

The flu is gone already. I guess I spent so much of my day Tuesday complaining about it that it became annoyed and left.

The blue has been getting a little boring, so I decided to go with orange hair today. My mom bleached what was left of the blue out and dyed my hair orange. Now I just need some purple streaks and I'll be ready for the playoffs.

I might not get around to posting about my Spring Holiday Weekend in Phoenix, so I'll just fill in all the blanks right here. My hair is orange, I was sleeping in my dad's living room when Mark Grace came over and had a mini-party with my uncle and a couple of other people, April baseball is great except for the fact that it's crappy, and What About Brian is a satisfying new show for anyone, mostly for it's well organized and diversified soundtrack.

Also, you should watch So NoTORIous on VH1. It's Tori Spelling playing Mock Tori Spelling, and it's really really funny.

Sleep time.

Gripe

2006-04-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

I have the flu. I can always tell the difference between allergies, colds, and flus, and this is a flu. Allergies are just sniffles for me. A cold means sniffles, snorts, and coughs, but nothing more. The flu is a different story.

It always hits me like a brick in the face, sudden and incapacitating. I'm just standing around, and all of a sudden I can't breathe, I get a fever, my throat feels like ground beef looks, and I feel like I just got hit in the face with a brick. I soon get stiffness in the entire right side of my face, to the point where I literally start drooling. No, I'm not kidding. The last few years, I've been spared of gastrointestinal issues, but I know I won't be so lucky this year. I took the longest shower of my life because it's the only thing that can stave off any of my symptoms, and I could feel something building up at each end. My system has been weakened by the lack of sudden expulsions over the last few years, so it's gonna be a doozie this year. Plus, I'm not one of those wimps who gets drowsy; on the contrary, my flu keeps me awake to no end. I only got about 20 minutes of solid sleep last night, and that was interrupted by a puddle of saliva that had accumulated on my sheets.

No amount of Nyquil nor Robitussin nor Hemlock could even begin to treat my symptoms whenever I get the flu. Even so, my mom doesn't let me skip school unless I'm bleeding irregularly or I have a fever that could melt steel. Which is probably a good thing, because she never lets me do anything besides sleep and drink water if I stay home. Like I said, I CAN NOT sleep when I have the flu, so I end up spending the entire day staring at the ceiling from my bed. Even when she does allow me the opportunity to stay at home, I usually go to school anyways so that I have something to keep my mind occupied.

MILESTONES APPROACHING!

2006-04-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal. My computer is broken, so I've had to use my mom's computer while she isn't on it. My grandma came up here on Friday and slept in the computer room, which means I didn't have access. We both went down to Phoenix for Easter weekend, except I only spent Saturday with the Mulhollands; I spent Sunday with the other half of my family. I didn't have access to a computer down there, hence the lack of posting. I promise a more detailed post at some point this week. It will include details about the current and future color of my hair, how Mark Grace personally ruined my sleep, my opinion on April baseball, and which new TV show should be watched if only for the cool soundtrack.

As I was driving down to Phoenix, I heard a new commercial for Rent-A-Tire. This one featured the voice of none other than His Fittiness, 50 Cent. You know what that means: Another strange thing for me to cram into my sidebar.

I'm going to start playing Pokémon again because I need a hobby. If anyone has any ideas for a team, I'll be using either Gold or Silver, so only the first 250 pokes need apply.

2006-04-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

As if this research paper wasn't already enough, I decided today that I wanted to get a paying job. I went to my school's career center during lunch today to get some information on a job with the school district. It involves distributing brochures to local real estate companies, and the lady at the career center says that it pays $7 per hour.

My school is looking for invitees to this year's Aspen Ideas Festival. The Aspen Institute is basically a big, fat, bipartisan think tank, and each year they have a big, fat, bipartisan convention called the Aspen Ideas Festival in Aspen. I'm a big, fat, bipartisan political science geek, so this is like the Holy Grail for me. Plus, it's a free trip to Aspen. Who doesn't like a free trip to Aspen? Last year's Festival was really big, really fat, and really bipartisan. Speakers included Bill and Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama, John McCain, Joe Lieberman, Wesley Clark, and Colin Powell. Actually, it's not so much a bipartisan think tank as it is a liberal think tank with a few Republicans mixed in. Anyways, this year's list isn't quite as illustrous, but I am still interested. It is a free trip to Aspen, remember.

Passing Calculus

2006-04-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

Suley says, "Send them everything in triplicate, call them at least three times to make sure everything is in the right place, and change your name to Zaphod Beeblebrox to ensure that there are no name mix-ups with the applicant folders. If you do all of this you will get in."

Fortunately, I don't have to worry about that part until at least August, and even then I only have to worry about it for one school. I guess I'm only allowed to submit an early application to one school, and all my others have to be sent during the regular period.

I definitely have a ton of stuff to do this week, and the fact that I was assigned homework from every single class for the first time in years really didn't help much. Seriously, why did they have to pick this week?

I already finished my Calc homework. Solids of revolution and volumes of solids with uniform cross sections. Fun stuff. Now I know how to measure the volume of a donut without dropping it in a bucket of water! I find it interesting that the word "calculus" can also be used to describe an abnormal mineral mass occuring in the body, including kidney stones and the stuff that causes arterial sclerosis. The same thing that causes some people pain and suffering causes other people...pain and suffering.

I'm done blogging now. I have to get back to homework.

Just Another Eediotic Monday

2006-04-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

Adeline says, "My favorite was writing about the criticism of Helene Cixous on the writings of Clarice Lispector in a Women's Latin American Lit course. I hated Clarice Lispector who seemed to mock anything that ever made any sense whatsoever, the book was a sort of 'feminist' Finnegan's Wake and made no sense-- not even a little. And I really needed it to make sense, as I was reading it in Spanish.

"They say learning is painful."

Ouch. I can't wait for college now.

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday
'Cuz that's my fun day
My I-don't-have-to-run day
It's just another manic Monday

Stuff I have to do this week:

Twenty more notecards for the Alexander Pope paper
Taxes (yeah, I'm one of those people)
Get my computer fixed...again
Inquire at Yavapai College and Embry-Riddle about Calc 2-3 next year
Figure out what all of my prospective universities want from me for admition, make a list of all the necessary stuff, collate, staple, crop, resize, dither, paste, and redo
Try to RELAX!!!

An Essay On Essays

2006-04-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

The Word of the Month is "duplicitous". More in a minute.

Oh yay, another standardized test. Yesterday, I was privileged to take the ACT. Horrible. The SAT was easy, boring. The ACT was fidgety, sinusoidal. They give you thirty minutes to do a forty-minute test, and then they give you an hour for a fifteen-minute test. And you can't go back and work on a previous test because it is a deadly sin. Greed, gluttony, lust, pride, sloth, wrath, envy, and returning to a previous test. I felt obliged to pray for forgiveness after taking the test, and I didn't even break protocol.

My favorite part was the essay. The proctors allowed us thirty minutes to write an essay on our opinion of whether or not high school seniors should receive special privileges not given to underclassmen. The time limit wasn't a problem for me; it only takes me about a half hour to write a good essay. My problem originated from the fact that I don't give a shcrap about this topic. Luckily, I am the world's best BS'er, so I was able to make it look like I did give a shcrap, and gave quite a big shcrap at that. I wrote about how the basis of public education was equality, and how dare they undermine, nay, annihilate the foundation of such a precious and serendipitous system with their greedy, gluttonous, lusty, proud, slothful, wrathful, envious, retrogressive proposal, those duplicitous bastards.

As I was leaving school after the test, I saw Andrist walking his dog on the front lawn. He asked me how I thought I did on the test. I said alright, except they didn't give us enough time. He said that that sucked. I'm honestly surprised he still remembers who I am. He seemed like the kind of teacher who tries as hard as possible to forget his former students.

Rewind once more to Friday. String made us write an essay in Spanish. Like I said before, I am really good at BS'ing a strong opinion, and that skill transcends language boundaries. One of the most important parts of being a good BS'er is having a very tremendous, flowery vocabulary. We were to write about some other topic that I cared even less about (the political duties of children or some nonsense), so I decided to go all out. I described the world as un gran globo de tristeza, politicians as mentirosísimos, and the media as....

Me: "String, ¿cómo se dice 'duplicitous'?"

String: "Duplicitous? Wow." (gets dictionary) "That's not even a word I would use in English."

Me: (lying) "It's a very special case."

String: "Duplicitous, right? Let's see...falso."

Me: (sigh of disgust) "Okay."

String: "Cool, now I know what that means in English."

And that is how duplicitous became the Word of the Month. Use it as you see fit.

Mockery!

2006-04-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

Q says, "Pourquoi est-tu parler en espagnol touts les temps?? J'ai enuyeaux parce que ces affairs!"

Because I can and it's fun. ¿Y por qué necesitas hablar francés tú? No te entiendo.

I'm writing a research paper on one of my favorite writers of all time, Alexander Pope. If you're in the mood for a few good laughs at the expense of Catholics, I recommend his mock epic, Rape of the Lock. Don't worry--he was Catholic, so he is allowed to make fun of them with impunity.

Tomorrow, I will be going with Mock Teen Court to one of the middle schools to mock do a few mock trials. I have a mock feeling that it's going to be a mock great time.

Oh yeah, and it snowed here today. Am I mistaken in thinking that it is now April? Isn't spring supposed to be in full force by now?

El Amor Quiere Decir Nunca Tener Que Disculparse

2006-04-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

All of the stories in my Spanish literature textbook are depressing. My class has read eight of them so far, and someone always ends up dying tragically, or someone becomes obsolete in a futuristic scenario in which robots rule the world, or someone is diagnosed with a terminal disease. I don't even have to read the stories anymore in order to understand them. I can just read the title and be able to discuss the story in detail.

String: Pues, ¿qué pasó en "El Árbol De Oro"?

Me: Un muchachito se murió porque un árbol se cayó sobre él.

String: Correcto. ¿Y quién cortó el árbol, y por qué?

Me: La madre del muchachito lo cortó porque a ella le diagnosticaron una enfermedad terminal.

String: Está bien.

I love that phrase. When speaking Spanish, you can use está bien to literally say anything.

Escolar: ¿Cuál es el propósito de vida?

Imbécil: Está bien.

Escolar: ¡Ay, tienes razón! ¡Claro! ¡Qué sabio!

Profesor: Señor, te presento el premio de Nobel por tu gran...grandeza.

The Great Saphenous. Bringing You Economical Irreverence, Now In Two Languages.

2006-04-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

I saw ATL today. That was a really, really good movie. Honestly, it might be Oscar-worthy. It's still a little early to tell, and I might be exaggerating, but it was a really good movie. See it.

April Fools!

2006-04-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

Today was April Fools' Day, in case you hadn't heard. The College Board decided to play a cruel, sick joke on me by making me wake up at 6 o'clock on a Saturday morning in order to take the most important test of my life thusfar. Apparently, that would make me the April Fool.

A Hairy Situation

2006-03-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Mr. Fenderson asked, "Is today St. Patrick's Day?"

Wells V. said, "We need to get you some serious psychiatric help."

Mrs. BW asked, "Oh my gosh, what happened?"

Other than that, everyone either didn't notice or thought it was really cool. Or at least that's what they said.

I take the SAT's in two days. I'm not at all worried (except for the fact that I have to wake up at the ungodly hour of 8:00 on a Saturday morning.)

Yay, More Snow. Wait, That's Not Snow!

2006-03-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Fitèna asks, "Whats Tengo sed?"

Spanish for "I'm thirsty."

You know how having the same hair for 17-and-a-half years straight can get really boring? Well, I dyed the tips of my hair bright turquoise after school today. Really. It's one of the most spontaneous things I've done in my entire life, which is really quite pathetic. I can't wait to hear what Mr. Fenderson will have to say about this. And Littleton. And HB. And Mrs. Bunch.

A hailstorm passed through Prescott today. I must say, there's nothing like the sensation of getting pelted with big chunks of ice falling from the sky.

We had a training session at Teen Court this week. We watched some 8th graders do a mock trial, and then we got to be a mock appellate court. We mock remanded the puny 8th graders' case because we thought that the mock defendant was found mock guilty because the mock prosecution did a mock crappy job of proving their mock case. That, and we like to mock 8th graders.

Where Did I Put My iPod? Oooooooh Yeaaaaaaaah.

2006-03-28T22:37:00.000-07:00

Calculus is not my bag, baby. I went to a Calculus study group tonight, expecting to help out everyone because I seem to be the only person who gets this stuff. Apparently, by Calculus study group, they meant popcorn-and-American-Idol-athon. I soon noticed my mind drifting. Here are some thoughts I noted myself having:

My hand smells like soy sauce.
This pencil tastes like cardboard (which I have tasted before).
Tengo sed.
Calculus is not my bag, baby.

You know what is my bag? iPod undies. I must have a pair.

I'm Branching

2006-03-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

Can one man really write two blogs at once? Apparently, yes. For fiction, read The Lesser Saphenous. For nonfiction, read The Great Saphenous.

Enough Is Enough! I've Had It With These Snakes!

2006-03-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

Some things are just too outrageous not to be true. You know that this one is on the top of my list for Summer Movie Mega Explosion Boom! '06.

La Estupidez Académica

2006-03-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

Great Saphenous here, rockin' a new avatar, yo. Check it.

I didn't see She's The Man yesterday. I was going to, but then I just got too sucked into my Xbox to be bothered with anything else, and I never got around to it.

Instead, I ended up seeing The Three Burials Of Melquiades Estrada around 10 o'clock at night. It's an indie project starring and directed by Tommy Lee Jones, and it was actually very good. I guess the best way to describe it is a dark comedy, although it wasn't entirely dark or a comedy. It had political roots, but it wasn't really a political movie. All I will say is "Sam Peckinpah."

I had planned on seeing She's The Man today, but I woke up at 2, and then the Xbox beckoned, and I never got the chance. Someday, though.

I have a story to write. My English teacher says that it has to be at least a page long! Ha. A page? I'll spend an entire page just on character exposition. She actually assigned the story Thursday, and it's due tomorrow. Like I really need four days to write a one-page story. I could probably just type up a bunch of random words and still get an A. I swear, I should have requested a tougher teacher for this class. You know what she's doing with this whole "one page" thing? Compromising with the slackers. She's giving them leeway on an assignment that would have already been simple, and what have they ever given her in return for her mercy? Seriously, why am I even in this class?

And then there's this Spanish assignment. Each week, we have to summarize and give an opinion on a news article from one of six Spanish-language news websites. The summary and opinion only have to be 30-50 words long each. This week, I'm writing about how some big, corporate encyclopaedia wants to do away with the free exchange of information as we know it. Now, listen to this:

La Enciclopedia Británica ha mandado que Nature renuncie a un informe en el
que la revista dijo que la información del sitio de Internet, Wikipedia, era
igualmente correcta como la del sitio de la Enciclopedia Británica. La
Enciclopedia afirma que Nature tiene una "indiferencia a estándares
académicos."

Yo he usado Wikipedia muchas veces, y nunca he tenido ningún
problema. También he usado el sitio de la Enciclopedia Británica, y ése
también funciona bastante bien. Por eso, no creo que las acusaciones de la
Enciclopedia Británica sean válidas. Pienso que la Enciclopedia necesita
sacar su cabeza de su culo y concentrar en los problemas importantes.

Of course, I won't be turning this in; the opinion is 57 words long.

With Great Power Comes Great Annoyance

2006-03-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

A word of advice: Don't learn to speak Spanish. Everyone will constantly be asking you what everything means. If you accidentally switch the channel to Telemundo, your loved ones will ask you to translate every single word of an hour-long show--commercials included--before they will let you take a bathroom break. Every thirty seconds, someone will ask you if you are actually fluent in the language or just know a few phrases. When you answer them, they will ask you if you are sure. When you answer them, they will ask you, "So, like, if I, like, had, like, a friend who, like, spoke Spanish, you could, like, understand him?" When you answer them, they will tell you that that is so cool because you are the only person they know who can speak Spanish for some reason. Note the for some reason.

My plans for the day:

Gas up my car. I'm so far beyond the E, you wouldn't believe it.
Get some Del Taco. DEL TACO! Where Tacos And Burgers Live In Perfect Harmony! No, that doesn't work. DEL TACO! You Got Your Taco On My Hamburger! No. DEL TACO! Your Source For Everything That Doesn't Match!
The Requisite Movie of the Weekend. It's probably going to be She's The Man this weekend, although I might also see The Three Burials Of Melquiades Estrada.

Those Crazy Brits!

2006-03-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Doctor Who right now. It's my favorite piece of science fiction of all time. Witty, creative, and philosophical, like most British sci-fi.

2006-03-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

I found out today that Denzel Washington is going to move to Prescott soon, and his kids will be attending my school next year. Yeah, that Denzel Washington. Philadelphia, Training Day, The Pelican Brief Denzel Washington.

Yesterday, it snowed. Tomorrow, the temperature will be in the 70's. Let's see, if winter was fall, and the last few weeks have been winter, does that mean that it's finally spring now?

2006-03-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

Q raps:

Check it out!

I love my tea so greatly,
I drink it on the daily,
Rooibus and masala,
Chai straight from Assam,
Drinking tea has got me thinkin
I'm just like those guys in Britain,
anthe Dalai Lama, I am like the Dalai Lama,
nonono Llamas, just just just the Dalai Llama.
So if you wanna pleez me,
Bring me a cup of Green tea,
Bring along some Prince of Wales with some milk an creamy,

HE'S GOT ME DRINKIN!!

ooh, drinking all this tea tea, I love tea tea!
Tea with
My Lunch, my lunch my lunch my lunch, my lovely tea leaf lunch, my lunch my lunch my lunch!

Check it out!

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Joao Verga

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Jee Darling, I Think Someone Puked In My Cup Of Tea

2006-03-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

I am officially 17.5 years old today. Yay. I think that means I can officially start a countdown to my 18th birthday. 184 days left.

My first day back to school actually came a little later than expected. Because of all the snow we received yesterday, school was delayed for two hours. That gave me just enough time to stop by Starbuck's on the way to school.

I've been trying to become a tea connoisseur lately. This morning, I discovered that even though Earl Grey smells great, it tastes like earwax and rubber cement, both of which I have actually tasted before. Of course, that might have just been the teabag disintegrating. Anyways, I'm much more partial to Darjeeling, except no one in town serves or sells it.

My Interesting Trip To Tucson

2006-03-19T21:54:00.000-07:00

I guess the title here is a bit of an overstatement. It was actually quite boring with a couple of interesting parts.

THURSDAY

I'm skipping over Wednesday because, besides driving down to Tucson, nothing actually happened on Wednesday.

The Diamondbacks were playing against the Royals, and I had a ticket waiting for me at will call. I drove down to Tucson Electric Park expecting a show, but I didn't realize that I would actually become a part of the show. When I arrived at the will call window, they told me that they didn't have my ticket, but that I could get my ticket from security. When I got to the security area, they told me that I had to park my car in the players' lot in order to get my ticket. I started walking back toward the public lot when I realized that I had no idea where I had parked. I've mentioned in previous posts that I am very good at finding good parking spots while parking, but what I haven't mentioned is how inept I am at finding once I have parked. I spent about 20 minutes searching for my car in the sea of cars that they called the public parking lot. It's amazing how angering it can be to lose a car even for a couple of minutes; imagine losing a car for 20 minutes. I was yelling. I was stomping my feet. I was throwing rocks at people and torching their cars. When I finally found my own car, I started to cry for joy. I drove to the players' lot and parked in the first spot I found. As one of the security officers was giving me my ticket, he commented that it sure took me long enough to get over there. I glared at him incredulously and told him that he didn't know me and so could not judge me.

I took my seat and started to enjoy the game. During the second inning, a club employee named Lupe approached me.

Lupe: "Excuse me, are you Tyler Mulholland?"

Me: "Yes."

Lupe: "Do you own a silver Eclipse?"

Me: "Yes."

Lupe: "We're gonna need you to move your car. You're parked in our general manager's spot."

Yes, that's right: I stole Josh Byrnes' parking spot at Tucson Electric. Remember how I said that I am really good at finding good parking spots? Well, I guess I'm not perfect. As we were walking to my car, the PA speaker announced my car's license plate number, and at some point Lupe told my dad about what happened. It was a very awkward situation, but I don't think I got anyone in trouble.

I went to see Capote that night. I always love a good biopic, but this one was a real downer. Everyone either dies or is forgotten.

FRIDAY

Dad got the day off, so we went to the U of A for a tour. From my first impression, I must say that that is a great looking campus. Dad agrees. We went to administration to try to get a guided tour, but we had already missed the last scheduled tour of the day. Better luck next time, I guess.

I also saw V For Vendetta tonight, along with the rest of the country. I'm really not sure what to think of this movie. Usually, if I don't know what to think of a movie, I just give it a bad review and move along. I still recommend seeing it, however.

1 o'clock came around, and I heard a strange sound coming from the adjacent hotel room. A combination of a Texan man moaning and a New Yorker woman saying, "Oh goawd!" repeatedly. That's always a pleasant thing to hear late at night.

SATURDAY

Dad and I drove back up to Phoenix separately. I had planned on inviting the Best Friends to Sunday's D-backs game in Tucson, but by the time I had finished the two-hour drive back to Phoenix I was starting to reconsider. If I did that, I would have to drive two hours down to Tucson in the morning just for a baseball game, then another two hours back up to Phoenix to drop off the Best Friends, then another 90 minutes to return to Prescott. That's a total of five-and-a-half hours of driving in a single day. I called Best Friend Arthur to ask him if he wanted to go to the game, and he said he would decide later. We hung up, and I decided that it wasn't worth it.

SUNDAY

Which is a good thing, because that particular game was rained out today. Everywhere south of the Hill got pounded with rain, and everything north of the Hill got pounded with snow. Unfortunately, by the time the precipitation had started, I was already on the north side. The good news is that the Powers That Be at the top of the local school district are big whimps when it comes to snow, so an extra day off may be in the cards for me.

Tomorrow is the day that I turn 17-and-a-half. Did you remember to buy me something?

A Moment Of Pure Genius

2006-03-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some hip-hop on the radio earlier today, and I thought to myself, "This sounds a lot like Common." A couple seconds later, I heard the MC say, "I'm the C-o-double-m-o-to-the-n."

OMG WOWIE ZOWIE!

2006-03-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

I ate some potato chips today. Yeah.

Don't Pahk The Cah Fah From The Bah

2006-03-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's a three-post kind of day. I've decided somewhat arbitrarily that this is a three-post day, and there's nothing you can do to circumvent my decision. Live with it.

I just realized that this is the first time the Great Saphenous has ever had three posts in a single day. It's really quite amazing.

The weather was actually somewhat forgiving today. The sun shone through most of the day, and a lot of the snow melted. Of course, I didn't realize this until after I told my dad that I wasn't driving down to Tucson until Wednesday because of all the snow and ice on the roads. Oh well, two more days of Prescott never killed anyone. I don't think. Although common sense tells me otherwise....

Cabin fever started to set in around four o'clock, so I went to Red Robin for lunch. There was only one patch of black ice along the way, and I avoided it and used it as an inspiration for a cell phone post. When I got to Red Robin...

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came

You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to go where everybody knows your name

You know it's bad when you go to a restaurant so often that people start to recognize you. You know it's really bad when you go to a restaurant after not going there for several months and people still recognize you.

Famous Last Words

2006-03-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

"I hope that's water."

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

My Half-Birthday Wish List

2006-03-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

Just letting you guys know that I'll be turning 17-and-a-half in eight days, and I have a few things in mind in the way of gifts. If anyone wants to volunteer their free time at the mall, here is my list in descending order according to importance:

A brand new Rubik's cube.
The album Clandestino by Manu Chao.
A Cowboy Bebop DVD. The movie is okay, but the TV show is preferred.
2006-07 season tickets for the Phoenix Suns.
A year's supply of Snapple (approximately 750 bottles).

Remember, my half-birthday is March 20, so time is running out!

2006-03-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

I've been stuck inside all day today. I was planning on driving to Tucson today, but my mom decided that she didn't want me driving on the icy roads. I'm not exactly sure how much snow we've gotten so far, but it looks like about eight inches.

This is a photo of my front yard. That tree just blossomed four days ago. Yay spring!

2006-03-10T23:15:00.000-07:00

Q says, "I have noticed the improvement generally, in that I come away from reading the posts with a larger feeling of satisfaction and satiation."

Well, that's really too bad, since this post is going to be a real downer. Spring Break has officially started for me, and Prescott is getting pounded with snow right now. I really don't get it; it didn't snow all winter, and now the snow is going to ruin my spring.

That's all I have to say today.

Nevaba

2006-03-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

Q says, "I have noticed a general improvement in the quality of your posts."

Have you? In what way?

The weather around here has been acting very strange for the last few months. Phoenix has reached its 141st consecutive day without rain today. Up here in Prescott, we it usually snows somewhat consistently from late November to early February. This winter however, we didn't get any snow. Until today. I was outside wearing shorts and a short-sleeve shirt and enjoying the sunlight during lunch when I felt something cold land on my arm. "What ho!" said I. We went an entire winter without snow, and then, just as spring is beginning, we get snow. I'm going down to Tucson next week for Spring Break, and I'm starting to wonder if I should expect frogs to fall from the sky while I'm down there.

Many new recruits showed up at Teen Court tonight. In fact, so many people showed up that the jury actually had 18 members. I decided to take the night off and sit in as an observer, grading each of the attorneys on their performances. The defendant did not take the case seriously, and it almost seemed like she was mocking us. The judge noticed this behavior and really let the defendant have it after her sentence was read. I think that that was the first time a judge has ever gone off on such a tirade during a trial at Teen Court. It was a little cool and a little scary. Other than that though, it was a pretty uneventful night.

SCIENCE!!!

2006-03-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm getting my blogging in early so that I can actually get to bed at the same time as all the normal people tonight.

Remember that plan I had for my test prep last night? Well, it didn't work out so well. I forgot to factor in the fact that I never actually wake up when my alarm clock rings, no matter what time I set it for. As such, I ended up waking up closer to 6:30. By that time, I had already missed Full Metal Alchemist and Trigun, and I just didn't feel like taking a shower. Mind you, I still did, but I did so begrudgingly. The toaster was already occupied by someone else's bagel, so I had to settle for a raw Pop Tart. I didn't have enough money for espresso at Starbuck's, so I just went straight to school. Rather than DJ Dara and Roni Size, I queued up Tesh on my iPod (yes, I have Tesh on my iPod). It was really cold outside, so I did transcendental meditation rather than capoeira.

You know, it's amazing what one can accomplish with sleep, cleanliness, Pop Tarts, lack of caffeine, and Tesh. The aforementioned math contest featured 15 problems of varying suckiness ranging from Hoover to Supermassive Black Hole. I only finished seven of them.

In Spanish class, we had to finish the practice AP exam with the dreaded Speaking test. We've done plenty of practicing with speaking exercizes, but I've never done well on them. Today was different, though. The first part of the test involved telling a two-minute-long story based on a sequence of six drawings provided to us by the exam administrators. Trust me when I say that it is a lot harder than it sounds. Most of the time, I just stare at the pictures and mumble, "Había...una...vez...María...y...sus...amigos...estaban...jugando...en...el...parque..." pausing for about five seconds between each word, ending my story around the 30-second mark. Today however, something went completely wrong. That part of my brain that constantly berates and torments me shut up for two minutes, and I was able to put all of my concentration into the story. I went the whole two minutes without stopping, and it was a great story. Like SnappleStories in Spanish. CuentasDeSnapple, one might say.

The second half of the Speaking test consists of six 20-second questions, and today's topic concerned the environment. In spite of the fact that I threw around the word reciclaje like Ralph Nader on speed, I did great on the questions. I normally do better on the questions than on the picture sequences, but today I did perfectly on both parts. Maybe I should try listening to Tesh more often.

In my opinion, the greatest teachers are the ones who are willing to put their students' lives at risk in the name of science. Excuse me, I meant to say in the NAME of SCIENCE!!! Take my freshman Biology teacher for example. The wimp made us wear gloves while swabbing the doorknob for bacteria. His reasoning? "I don't want you guys to get sick." I would have been fine with "I don't want the samples to get contaminated," but for some reason he thinks that we might have been at risk for contracting VD from the doorknob.

Then there's Littleton, my current Physics teacher. This man is absolutely shameless. He will do anything in the NAME of SCIENCE!!! Today, we started our studies of electricity. He brought out all the toys: A Layden jar, a Van de Graaff generator, a Tesla coil. At the end of class, he had the entire class hold hands, and he used the Van de Graaff generator to shock us all. He called it initiation; I call it responsible scientific experimentation.

180 BPM

2006-03-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry about that little tirade I went on yesterday. I hope I didn't scar any of the children out there for life.

I got all the necessary materials to join AP Government next year. One of the requirements is a 25-word essay on why I want to take the class. That's 25 words, not 250. It usually takes me about 25 words just to form a single sentence. To fit an entire essay into 25 words seems ludicrous and moronic to me. How dare they solicit my genius in such an asinine way! I'm seriously beginning to reconsider joining that class next year because I am so insulted by this.

I have a big math contest tomorrow. Two other students and I qualified for the state-level contest in the last written competition we were in, and we have to be ready to do some hard math at 7:00 tomorrow morning. Actually, the problem isn't that the math is hard; I just really dislike having to do upper-level math at 7:00 in the morning. Most of the time I can just half-sleep through History class at 7:00, but tomorrow I have to be wide awake and alert. Thankfully, I've figured out the perfect way for me to hotwire my brain for such occasions.

Wake up at 4:30.
Watch Full Metal Alchemist
Shower
Watch Trigun
Eat some buttered toast
Grab a quadruple-shot of espresso from Starbuck's and down it with a slice of lime
Listen to an entire hour of DJ Dara, Roni Size, and Reprazent while practicing capoeira with an imaginary heavy bag named Jonathan
Take the test

I find that this strategy works remarkably well, except I tend to pass out/have a myocardial infarction immediately after finishing the test.

Anyways, wish me luck.

A Critique Of Pure Oscars: The Great Saphenous' Worst Post Yet

2006-03-05T22:40:00.000-07:00

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Oscar '06 has passed us, and now it's time for After Party '06. While some of us may be sipping champagne and being glamourous in various other ways, others have been stuck at home, sitting on the couch watching Hollywood's biggest night on TV with only our mothers and an unsatisfying bag of kettle corn. And while some of us will soon be highlighting the highlights of the night, others will snark on the worst awardees of the night. Now, you should pay close attention, because I'm going to be turning this one into a meme pretty soon. May I present to you THE OSCAR MEME.

Two simple questions. First, were you satisfied by this year's Oscar experience overall? Second, if so, pick the three best parts; if not, pick the three worst parts. Explain.

I have been disappointed by the Academy this year, just as I normally am, although I will admit that they have done better than they normally do. Still, very disappointed.

Heath Ledger should have won Best Actor. First of all, you have to acknowledge that it took him a lot of guts to take this part. Homosexuality is still a touchy subject in our society, and stepping up to the plate like he did was very progressive and very responsible, to say the least. Second, not only did he play this controversial part, but he made it believable. You actually believed that he was in love, and I think that love is a difficult thing for anyone to replicate. Finally, I really think that Philip Seymour Hoffman overdid Capote, almost to the point of annoyance.
George Clooney should have won Best Director. Black-and-white photography and cinematography take a certain kind of finese that is absent by default in color. The fact is that while color gives you life, monochrome gives you motion, sensation, and form. To be able to capture those qualities as well as Clooney did in Good Night, And Good Luck requires a certain kind of sight that seems otherwise absent in contemporary cinema. Also, a good director, regardless of cinematography style, understands that how things happen on-screen changes how the audience feels. Anyone can make a biopic about Edward R. Murrow, but not everyone can depict him as a hero of human liberty. A great director knows how to capture passion and angst, and Clooney did that better than anyone else nominated this year.
Robert Elswit should have won Best Cinematographer. See above.

There, I got that off of my chest. Now I will pass the torch on to Suleyman, labmonkie, and anyone else who has an opinion on the Oscars.

Movies

2006-03-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

It's a weekend of movies. Today, I saw Running Scared and Ultraviolet. The former stars Paul Walker, and the latter stars Milla Jovovich. These are two of the most incredible actors in contemporary cinema, so needless to say I had high expectations of both of these movies.

Running Scared was a really intense action movie. It was fast-paced, graphic, and uncompromising. The cinematography and editing only make the action more intense, and the score matches perfectly. My only complaint is that the ending was too sentimental, almost to the point of being touchy-feely, and touchy-feely is a big no-no in an action movie. Overall, though, this has been one of the best action movies I've ever seen. Remember Wayne Kramer. He'll be a popular director someday.

Not so with Ultraviolet. It's my philosophy that you should never walk out of a movie, no matter how bad it seems; you have to get your money's worth out of it. After seeing this movie, I'm considering changing that philosophy. Everything that was right in Running Scared was wrong in Ultraviolet, and everything that was wrong in Running Scared was wronger. You have no idea what's going on half of the time, and when you do know what's going on, you have no idea why it's going on. In this movie, a maniacal suit with an obnoxious swagger decides to kill off a bunch of people with a certain disease. Except he doesn't. Except he does, just not for real. Except he really wants to kill everyone without the disease so that he can rule over...all the people without the disease. Trust me, it makes even less sense in the movie. Milla opens the movie by voicing-over that she lives in a world that we may not understand. I should have listened. The cinematography in this movie just didn't work; part of the time, the lighting was such that you couldn't see what was going on. The theme of the movie was irrelevant and unrelatable. Never ever give Screen Gems the satisfaction of your money. Don't see this movie. Ever.

The Oscars are tomorrow. I am not sharing my predictions. There is way too much animosity out there this year. I'm just going to wait to see who the winners are and then hand out the I-told-you-sos.

My Name's Buck, And I'm Here To Loiter

2006-03-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

Alright, I think it's about time I wrote about the past weekend.

FRIDAY.

Mom told me that she wanted me to drive her down to Phoenix for the weekend. There's a very, very long story associated with this that I won't bother telling here. All I will say is that one of her friends down in Phoenix got some tickets to some race and she had planned on going on Saturday night.

I devised a plan in which I would drop Mom off at her friend's house and then spend the weekend at one of the Best Friends' places. I talked to Best Friend Arthur about it, and the plans were made.

SATURDAY.

One thing that one must learn about my mom is that she is very fickle. I woke up at my normal 11 o'clock Saturday morning, about an hour before we were supposed to leave for Phoenix. She was still in her pajamas and slippers, lying on the couch watching Saw 2 with a cup of Ben & Jerry's.

Me: "Dude, you have to get up, we're supposed to go to Phoenix in an hour."

Mom: "Meh, I don't feel like it. Let's not go."

Me: (pause) "So, we're not going."

Mom: "Nah."

Me: "Hah, yeah right. I'm still going, and you can't stop me."

Mom: "But I'll be all alone all weekend!"

Me: "It's two days; you'll live."

Mom: (moan) "Buuuuuuut!"

Me: "You got me all excited about going down to Phoenix, and I must have SATISFACTION!"

So I went.

The drive was unremarkable; 90 minutes of sitting, with the occasional touch of the brake pedal or accelerator. I arrived at the house of Best Friend Arthur around 3. I think. It's been a while, so some of the details are a little shaky. I grabbed the backsack that contained my clothes and accessories and walked up to the door. I rang several times before I realized that no one was answering. As I started walking toward my car, the opened behind me, and Arthur came out. We got into his brother's car and got some drinks at the QT down the road.

After I first got my driver's license about 18 months ago, I started making a huge mental list of stuff I wanted to do in Phoenix with the Best Friends every single weekend I could get out of Prescott. Since that time, the all of the items on the list have either been checked off or mysteriously erased. At this point, we spend most of our time together just staring off into nothingness and everythingness trying to think of things to do. And of course, as you dedicated readers know, all that nasty stuff messing with my brain tends to eat away at my attention span, among other things. So really, they stare off into nothingness and everythingness trying to think of things to do while I just stare off into nothingness and everythingness. Saturday afternoon was no different. Arthur sat there pensively, and I sat there blankly.

We ended up playing Dead or Alive 4 for some amount of time that I have unscrupulously forgotten. In said game, I happen to be way über1337 with a character by the name of Jann Lee. Whenever I play as Jann Lee, I always choose a costume that looks very much like the one Uma Thurman is wearing in the above photo. After I had used the same character in the same costume over and over again for an indeterminate amount of time, Arthur decided that he really really wanted to watch Kill Bill 2. We decided to go out to find a copy of the movie that we could rent.

First, we tried Blockbuster. We searched and searched and searched, but we couldn't find a single copy of the movie. Arthur thought about asking one of the employees if they had the movie, but then he decided that there were too many other people waiting in line already. We left.

At this point, Arthur had become very impatient. I have a short attention span; he has a short temper. He decided that he wanted to buy the movie in spite of the fact that he didn't actually like it and only wanted to watch it once. I told him that he was bonkers, but he didn't care. We went to Best Buy. At Best Buy, we went straight to the movie section and got the movie. While we were there, I got the chance to meet Alexia for the first time. I smiled; she smiled. There was a lot of smiling going on. Arthur finally got a chance to spend $15 on his movie that I described as "precious" as we were exiting the store. We drove back and watched it. I still think that Volume 1 was better.

After the movie, Arthur was hungry. We went to the Cheesecake Factory per his insistence. Did I mention that he doesn't have a job? Buying DVD's on a whim AND eating gourmet cheesecake. I think he might be associated with the Yakuza or something. Anyways, I got Key Lime, and he got Something Else. We talked about Teen Court, prom, and some other stuff.

SUNDAY.

I woke up at Whatever:30 and drove back up to Prescott. Another 90 minutes of sitting, waiting, and wishing while listening to Jack Johnson. And my real life goes on.

The Meme Of Fours

2006-03-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

For some reason, Blogger bugged out on me while I was writing a post, and it deleted the whole thing. Thankfully, it was a meme and not a detailed account of my whole weekend that I was planning on posting.

Anyways, dearest Atpanda tagged me with this meme, and lo be it for me to pass up a meme. In the 10+ months that The Great Saphenous has existed, I have never missed a meme, and I don't intend to miss this one.

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life:

Busser at Red Lobster
Regular sitter for my younger cousin who lives nearby
Umm...full time student for 11 years and counting
...I do some stuff around the house

Four Movies I'd Watch Over And Over:

Fargo
Kill Bill, Volume One
Airplane!
Office Space

Four Places I've Lived:

Phoenix, Arizona
San Francisco, California
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Prescott, AZ

Four TV Shows I Like To Watch:

Survivor
The Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy
Lost
24

Four Favorite Places I've Been On Vacation:

Maui
Cancun
Chicago
Vancouver, BC

Four Websites I Visit Daily:

Four Of My Favorite Foods:

Shrimp scampi on linguini/fettucini/any pasta
Italian wedding soup with rice
Mongolian beef
Anything from Quizno's

Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:

Fishing
Phoenix
In a gigantic vat of Jell-o
Somewhere warm

Four People I Feel Sorry For Because They're Getting Tagged:

J. Star
Fitèna
Adeline
Anyone else who I forgot

Alright, hopefully this post works this time. I'm off to school.

More Zombies

2006-02-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

I've decided to adopt the Rubik's Cube as my newest mid-class distraction. I finally learned a method for solving the entire cube rather than just one side, which has made me very proud. Now, I just need to learn how to solve the cube in less than 11.18 seconds, and I will be famous. Ish.

Mmm, good old Monday.

Lost In Ravenholm

2006-02-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

Suley says, "No one really has true style anymore. I keep thinking of how Darryl Dawkins would give dunks names like 'In Yo Face Disgrace' and 'The Chocolate-Thunder-Flying, Robinzine-Crying, Teeth-Shaking, Glass-Breaking, Rump Roasting, Bun-Toasting, Wham-Bam-Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam.'"

The true artist lets his work speak for itself; the title is secondary. Tertiary. Quaternary at best, really. Personally, I'm a big fan of 'Nique and J-Rich.

Word of advice: Never try to take on an entire city of zombies by yourself. Big trouble. I got stuck in Ravenholm for about a week, which is why I've been so indolent with the blogging recently.

WEDNESDAY.

As you all should know by now, Wednesday night is Teen Court night most of the time. I was assigned to defend a certain teenager after he admitted to drinking alcohol. Let the record show that juries don't care about what the defendants have to say, and that the only thing that matters to those nincompoops is which attorney is more powerful. The person I defended in no way deserved leniency. I mean, this kid was a total drunkard. Stuff, the prosecutor for the night, had an easy case, and he was handling it with ease. Then, HORROR!

Stuff: "Do you remember what your BAC was that night?"

Defendant: "What's a BAC?"

Stuff: "It is the Blood Alcohol Content measured with a breathalizer test. Yours was a .0..."

Me: (aloud) "OBJECTION!" (internally) "Shit, what have I done?" (aloud) "Your honor, this boy is clearly making a mockery of this court! The witness is supposed to be giving testimony, not the attorneys!" (internally) "Shit, what am I doing?"

Judge: "Sustained."

Me: (internally) "Damn."

Stuff: (tentatively) "Umm, no. More. Questions. Your. Honor."

Me: (internally) "What, you egg! Young fry of treachery!"

My client received but three Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Where is the justice? I hope, in no place so unsanctified where such as this readership may find it.

I've got ice cream for anyone who can name the Shakespearean play I just alluded to.

I should start calling people eggs and young fries of treachery from now on.

THURSDAY.

I woke up at 5:00 to watch olympic curling live. You know, curling. It's that one game that Scottish play. I guess I can understand why some people don't like it. The first time is always the hardest, but trust me when I say that it gets easier with experience. Watching curling, that is. So foul and fair a game I have never seen.

FRIDAY.

Escribí un ensayo sobre las mentiras y cómo nos afectan en la clase de español hoy. Fue el primer ensayo que he escrito en esa clase que he completado antes del fin de la clase. No sé si es bueno o malo eso. También es el más largo de mis ensayos de esa clase, pero no creo que sea bastante bien escrito. ¡Caray, qué dolor de culo!

I finally got around to seeing the movie Transamerica tonight. That movie definitely ranks with Stay and I ♥ Huckabee's among the weirdest movies I have ever seen, except this movie is weird in a more tangible way. I could actually describe how it is weird if I wanted to, while I couldn't do that so well with the other two movies. It was a great movie, but I'm not sure if I would recommend it. If you don't mind risking being very disgusted/insulted/over-exposed to certain things that don't necessarily warrant any exposure, you should see this movie. Bear in mind that there is a reason why it's rated R.

I'm off to do other stuff now.

NBA All-Star Saturday Night Mini-Recap

2006-02-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

You know how you just know something is fishy sometimes? I'm not sure, but last time I checked, tall guys couldn't make jump shots, and short guys couldn't dunk. Just sayin'.

Team San Antonio won the Shooting Stars competition, and I am mad. As a Suns fan, I loathe the Spurs because they are horrible, child-murdering zombies of mass death.

Dwayne Wade of the Miami Heat won the skills competition, and Steve Nash got last place. Way to hold on to that crown, Steve.

Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks beat Ray Allen and four other guys who don't matter in the three-point competition. Seriously, how does someone who is seven feet tall shoot the long ball like that?

Nate Robinson of the New York Knickerbockers won the slam dunk contest. They're giving this guy way to much credit. Just because he's short doesn't mean the judges should have been that easy on him. He had some great dunks, but I really think Andre Iguodala did better.

Tomorrow is The Most Inconsequential Game Of The Season, and I might not watch it. I really don't care.

2006-02-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

It's time for a new podcast. Percussion Lab goes in a slightly different direction that previous podcasts I've blogrolled here. For one, instead of just electronic music, this podcast features a phat mix of electronic, breakbeat, and hip hop. Plus, rather than just focusing on one specific subgenre of electronic, this one covers everything. In one episode, I heard ambient, acid trance, ragga beat, a little bit of big beat, some drill & bass, and a whole bunch of other stuff mixed in. If you think your mind can handle all of that within the course of a single hour, subscribe to Percussion Lab.

I got called into my counsellor's office today during English class to discuss my plans for the next school year. Apparently, I only need one more credit to graduate. Unfortunately, all seniors at my school must take at least four classes, so only going to school for one hour per day next year is not an option. I find that to be a ridiculous rule. [Yogiism]I should only be required to take the number of classes that I am required to take.[/Yogiism] Sure, I had already planned on taking six classes next year, but what if I only wanted to take one class?

¡Esa Jevita, Esta Enterita Tiene Tremendo CULO!

2006-02-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

J. Star asks, "But didn't you just acknowledge Vday by writing a(n anti-) post about it?"

I acknowledge that the holiday exists; I just don't believe in celebrating it. It's just like wearing a jacket. I acknowledge that there is such a thing as a jacket, but I don't believe in wearing them.

I attorneyed at Teen Court last night. My client was being sentenced for underage drinking.

Me: "Where were you early morning on January 7 of this year?"

Her: "The 7th?"

Me: "Yes, the 7th."

Her: "I was at my house."

Me: (sarcastic sigh, because it really was the 7th) "I'm sorry, I meant the 8th."

Her: "Oh, I went to the mall. I was buying my friend a birthday present."

Me: (annoyed sigh, because I hate it when they make me lead them) "Did you go to a party that night?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: (exacerbated sigh, because she just doesn't get it) "What kind of party was it?"

Her: "A birthday party."

Me: (angry sigh, because that's not relevant and I shouldn't have even asked that question) "Whose birthday party?"

Her: (finally catching on to this whole direct examination thing) "It was a surprise birthday party for my friend." (she continues to tell all of the relevant [read: mitigating] facts)

She started off as one of the most difficult defendants I've ever had, but once we finally got going, she was one of the best. She knew exactly what we wanted the jury to hear, and I was actually quite impressed. She said she wanted to become a paralegal when she grows up. I don't know if I could come up with something that innocent.

I doodled in Spanish class today. Actually, it was more of a comic than a doodle. I called it "¡Hamburguesa Y El Hombre!" It featured a man with big, bloodshot eyes (¡Soy un hombre!) and a talking hamburger (¿Y cómo debía saber yo que se almorzaban las hamburguesas? Yo creo que es mejor comer a los hombres como tú. ¡Encuéntrate en mi estómago!). I think there was also an earthworm in the corner (Aquel hombre es grandísimo.). Such a fun class, Spanish.

So fun, in fact, that it has earned two paragraphs in this post. I learned a new curse word in Spanish today! ¡Paja! It's slang for male self-pleasure. I also learned the verb ordeñar. Regarding Spanish vulgarities, I must say that my favorite by far is culo, which is, among other things, a word for what you sit on. This word has so many fun uses. Me caigo de culo. Estoy en el culo del mundo. ¡Lame mi culo! Él es un culo de mal asiento. So much fun! By contrast, I rarely ever find a use for the vulgar verb coger, whose definition speaks for itself. The only way I can conceive of using this one insultingly would be to tell someone ve cogiéndote, and even that doesn't seem to abusive. Culo is definitely my favorite.

Dr. Weirdlove OR How I Learned To Stop Caring And Love The Solitude

2006-02-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

Hooray! It's IHOP day! The International Holiday Of Puke! Call me a bitter hermit, but I just don't get you people. You make such a big deal out of being together with someone else or being alone, while so many of us "abnormal" folks do just fine. Today was my 18th consecutive Valentine's day without a novia, and it was great. While the rest of my school (and my planet) was busy either compromising and being fake-happy for their significant other or wallowing and being internally ugly for their lack of an significant other, I refused to recognize the holiday. That's right, I refused to acknowledge it. After all, I don't recognize Rosh Hashannah or Take Your Daughter To Work Day; why should I be forced to recognize this day? It's amazing how little of an effect a holiday can have on you when you don't recognize it. For instance, I walked into my Spanish class quite jocund today, and Kailan A. noticed.

Kailan A.: "Hey Tyler! Gettin' a lot of valentines today?"

Me: "Ninguno, señorita."

Kailan A.: "None? Aw, ¡pobrecito!"

Me: "You kidding? We've sat next to each other in this class for the last six months, yet you haven't noticed that I've detached myself from all normal human emotion? Come on, you've never wondered why I'm always so quiet and cold?"

Kailan A.: "Hmm, now that you mention it, I guess I have noticed something odd about you."

In a weird way, I've come to love being apathetic toward the holiday of love. Which means, mission accomplished anyways! Everybody wins!

As I mentioned in my cell phone post, Stacey took pity on me for not being loved and took me out to lunch. Except she made me pay. And she kept tickling me like she thought I still liked her like that. Poor, misguided soul. I don't really know how to break it to her. I know we're not together anymore, and she knows we're not together anymore, yet...I want to break up with her. Even though we aren't even together. You know what I mean? She's also insisting that I get her some sort of valentine.

All in all, it was a pretty average day.

Lunch With Stacey

2006-02-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

It's Takeovines...err, Valentines Day. Stupid speed type cellphone thing. I got a pity lunch from Stacey, except I paid. Nice.

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

Even Water Under The Bridge Splashes

2006-02-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

Atpanda says, "I'm here!!" Suley says, "I'm here as well (digitally, at least)."

Está bien. Me alegro de tener todavía unos lectores diehard. Ya sé que también hay otros. Espero. Deseo. :-/

Snatchcap Willy (not derogatory) says, "tyler..like i said here , I prefer snatchcap to asshat.

"and of course no hard feelings. you think a guy who writes about eating 100x100's while wearing a blonde mullet wig would be offended by being called asshat?"

Honestly, if I got seven of my own friends together in Vegas Baby, and we all got hammered (hypothetically), I probably would have done the same thing. I think that's why I called you an asshat. I guess. Anyways, I'm done being hostile toward you; you're a cool guy, and I'm very sorry I gave you such bad press. And I promise I'm done apologizing after this. I know how obnoxious excessive humility can be.

The local dance station played a remix of "California Dreamin'" by the Mamas and the Papas this morning. That station really comes up with some weird stuff. Remember t.A.T.u.? Yeah, they played two different songs by t.A.T.u. this morning. Then there's "Magic Carpet Ride" by Mighty Dub Catz. Then, every once in a while, they'll just play something by Fallout Boy or Korn or the Hives or something. Not a remix, just some rock that doesn't really qualify as dance music. Sure, you can dance to it, but why would you? Then again, I guess the same goes for the Mamas and the Papas and t.A.T.u.

Sorry to disappoint you guys, but I won't be able to get you any cat photos for a few weeks. I slacked off just a little bit too long, and now it's to late for me to take any pictures.

I have officially started playing Pokémon on my free time at school again. I'm starting off with Red version this time. And now I'm wondering why I even brought this up. Horrible.

I didn't tell anyone in my Physics class about my situation yet. I actually heard about the 100x100 in Physics before I saw Will's blog on the Blogs of Note. Big burgers are motifs in my Physics class, as you'll recall. Littleton showed us a photo of this particular burger a few weeks ago. I didn't think much of it until I saw Will's blog, and then the rest is history.

DONE! THAT SUBJECT IS OFFICIALLY RETIRED ON THIS BLOG! THERE WILL BE NO MORE DISCUSSION!

I need to get some sleep. Sleep is a great panacæa for the...never mind.

The Asshaberdasher

2006-02-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

So, apparently I'm being boycotted or something. My stats have been waaay down over the last few days, and the only comment I've gotten in the last five days has been from...get this...THE DUDE WHO ATE THE 100x100! If you're still listening Willy, the only reason I called you an asshat was because I seriously thought that you would never ever ever actually read this and I figured that this would be the only time in my life I would ever be able to get away with calling someone an asshat. Am I really supposed to waste that opportunity? By the way, I don't really think you're an asshat; I'm just totally fucking jealous.

Fuck.

Fuck, I say.

Seriously, how does this shit happen to me? I swear, I have the weirdest life. I'm gonna go over to his blog and comment, and I'm going to do so under the name "asshaberdasher".

I am officially blogrolling him, by the way. No hard feelings, right? RIGHT?!?

Fuck, I say it again.

I wish there was something else bothering me so that I could rightly justify this self-loathing. Good ol' Technorati, giving people like me something to write about over the weekend.

I Can't Think Of A Way To Include A Pussycat Dolls Lyric Into This Title

2006-02-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

Your Blogging Type is Logical and Principled

You like to voice your well thought out opinions on your blog.
And if someone doesn't what you write, you really don't care!
Serious and blunt, sometimes people take your blog the wrong way.
But you're a true and loyal friend to those who truly get you.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Fitèna tagged me with this blogthing, and so I am responding. I must say, that's pretty accurate. Most of these are, except the one that said that I have the same taste in music as Mariah Carey.

Your 2005 Song Is

Don't Cha by the Pussycat Dolls

"Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me"

What happens in 2005, stays in 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

I once heard someone refer to the Pussycat Dolls as "burlesque". I'm not sure what the standard is today, but last time I checked burlesque meant Myrtle Wilson, not Daisy Buchanan or Jordan Baker.

I ordered A Soldier's Story and 97 Octane by Dieselboy from Amazon on December 29, and they still haven't shipped. This is the longest anything from Amazon has ever taken to get to me, and they haven't even left their stores yet. It's amazing how much your music collection starts to suck while you're waiting for a couple of new CD's.

It's been 116 days since the last time there was rain in Phoenix. That's a record for the state of Arizona, more than the old record of 114 previously held by Tucson. You know it's bad when Arizona's record for dryness has been broken.

I woke up at exactly 1:00 PM this morning. I can call it morning if I want to. Even though I've only been up for about eight hours, I can't remember a single thing I did today. My brain just shuts down for the most part during the weekend. I think I went to the store for some groceries. I don't know. I'll try to remember tomorrow.

Fart Jokes Suck

2006-02-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official: Arrested Development is over. Tonight, the funniest show ever finished up with a two-hour finale that did not disappoint (except for the fact that it was, in fact, the show's last episode). I think it's no secret that the show was cancelled because almost nobody was watching it. I hope you people are happy now that you've gotten the best show on television cancelled waaaaay prematurely.

I heard "S.O.S. (Rescue Me)" by Rihanna and then "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell directly afterward at lunch today. I think the radio station was trying to play a trick on me or something.

Ali J. and Talisha B. removed a gigantic tapeworm from their cat's intestines today. Everyone made a big deal about it, and Mr. Fenderson was so impressed that he actually had me pickle it. When I took this class last year, no one's cat was anomalous enough to make it into a jar, so apparently this is a real honor.

I'm off to bed now. I feel like I haven't slept in a week.

2006-02-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Survivor right now. Shane from Casaya is having a hissy fit about how he wants a cigarette, a coffee, a big sandwich, and off this damn island. And that he's convinced everyone that he wants to leave, he's saying that he wants to stay. They should vote him off. Except now Aras is telling the people he wants to vote off that he wants to vote them off. So, my vote goes against either Shane or Aras. Which is a shame, because everyone except Cirie and Melinda voted against Melinda.

Noob Saibot!

2006-02-08T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to run out of stuff to do during my free hour. Before I switched English classes, my free hour was before lunch, so I had a chance to actually eat lunch early and then hang out with my friends during my actual lunch hour. Now that my free hour is contiguous with and after my lunch hour, however, I can't eat during my free hour. Some days I have homework that I can work on during my free hour, but other days (like today) I have nothing to do. I end up just sitting in the bleachers around the football field and taking a nap. This can be quite dangerous for several reasons: 1) There are bees in the area, 2) Teenagers do strange things to people while they rest, 3) Anyone who falls asleep outside without a tent and some wilderness around looks pretty suspicious, and 4) I might oversleep and miss part or all of Physics class. I have to find some way to keep myself entertained and awake.

POKÉMON!

I ordered a couple of CD's from Amazon on December 29, and they still haven't even shipped. They weren't on back-order, they weren't from a third party, and they weren't pre-production. They're just really slow. I have over 700 songs on my iPod, and they have all gotten old. iTunes doesn't have any music to download that I actually like, so I my only other option is to download free ringtones on to my phone that sound like some of the songs I like. Unfortunately, the capabilities of my cell phone are limited by its inherent suckiness, so I can only download Polyphonic tones. You know, those old MIDI tracks that aren't recorded music but combinations of digital tones made to sound vaguely like real music. It's the kind of music featured in Atari games. And by Atari games, I mean Atari 2600/5200 games, not Enter The Matrix or UT2K4. It works well for techno songs, but not so well for salsa or heavy metal. Right now, I have "Kernkraft 400" by Zombie Nation on my phone. It might not look familiar, but you've heard it before, trust me. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh...you'd recognize it if you heard it. I've been trying to find the Mortal Kombat song online, but I haven't had any luck so far. Here's my grand plan with that: Whenever someone calls me, that song will start playing, and I'll scream, "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!!" as loud as I can and start Chuck Norris-ing everyone around me. I will then answer my phone by saying, "It has begun!"

MEAT!!!

2006-02-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

Let me get this straight. I write about normal stuff in my normal life that everyone notices and laughes about but never remembers, and people think my blog is totally awesome, yet I rarely get more than three comments a day. Now, all of a sudden, some Canadian guy from California gets seven friends together and eats a 100x100 from In & Out and gets a spot on Blogger's Blogs Of Note, 140 comments in a single day, an interview on KCRW Los Angeles, his photo disseminated to all the major news outlets courtesy of Reuters, and a possible contract with a group of professional bloggers. I did the math, and that's about three 4x4's per person. Come on people. I eat a 4x4 Protein-style almost everyday, and I still have room for a grotesque amount of other foods for the rest of the day. Best Friends Derek and Arthur, if you're reading this, we need to get together next time I'm in Phoenix and do something newsworthy like brushing our teeth for an hour straight or a tag-team staring contest or Hands Across America Redux or something. Any ideas?

Obviously, I'm really digging deep for something to write about today. I haven't posted in the last few days (in case you hadn't noticed), and I was afraid I would lose what few readers are still with me if I waited to post any longer. And yet some asshat from Canada/California eats a burger and is set for life. All I have to say to that guy is tu madre.

Remember how I said that I hang out with the most diverse lunch group ever? Well, Kevin K., our go-to jock, has abandoned us. Luckily, Jeff S., another member of the athletic class, serendipitously joined our group on the very day Kevin K. left us, so the balance stays intact. Which is a good thing, because I don't know how long I could live without that stereotype.

The peritoneal cavities are open! Tomorrow or Thursday, I will have photos of cats! Fat cats, thin cats, dry cats, moist cats, clean cats, filthy cats, all with one thing in common: Open abdomens. You'll see livers, you'll see spleens, you'll see things you've never seen before and things you'll wish you never had seen!

El Fallecimiento Y La Destrucción

2006-02-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

I got kicked out of the house this weekend.

My mom's birthday was this Friday. She turned...carry the one...add three...older. One of her friends is also celebrating a birthday this weekend, and they decided to get together with about 10 other ladies at our place and have a big party. To which I was not invited. Nor allowed to attend whatsoever. Not that I would want to or anything, but I still got kicked out of my house.

But this is a good thing! I got to come down to Phoenix this weekend and spend some time with Daddy. As I was entering the city, he called me and told me that we were going to go to the Sun Devils baseball game that night to see Ike D., and old family friend of mine, pitch. "I really really hope he doesn't play for ASU," I came this close to saying. Alas, he does. For those new to the blog, I am a lifelong U of A Wildcats fan, which means that I am the anti-Devil. Ike pitched a great game, but I didn't clap a single time for fear that I would be committing sacrilege. After all, would you root for the devil? Didn't think so.

After the game, Ron D. (Ike's dad), his wife, my dad, and I went to an underground seafood place for dinner. When I say that it was underground, I don't mean that it was hardcore and against-the-grain. I mean that the restaurant was under a layer of dirt. The place reminded me of Red Lobster, except it smelled much worse and had bad lighting. As the case tends to be, there were very few non-seafood alternatives on the menu, so I ended up settling for a half-decent steak that ended up being dry and fishy. Meanwhile, Ron D. asked me what my plans were after high school. I told him I would probably go to college in-state, trying to leave it at that so as to avoid any unnecessary conflict. "Well, I take it you're not going to NAU," he said. Certainly not. I'm getting as far away from northern Arizona as I can as soon as I can. "That leaves only two other options," he continued. Not really; last time I checked, there were more than just three colleges in Arizona. "ASU and...erm...U of A...excuse me," he coughed.

Not unlike the state of Virginia during the Civil War, the state of Arizona is staunchly divided into two sectors: The Wildcats and the Sun Devils. Arizona State University (home of the Sun Devils) has consistently been ranked among the top 10 party schools in the country for quite some time. In my opinion, party schools are really big wastes of money. Seriously, who pays tens of thousands of dollars to go to a college that's known for how much its students drink and rave and party? Why not do that stuff at home and save some money? Just remember what your DARE officer always told you: Dare to stay away from ASU.

It has been said that the annual FBR Open in Scottsdale is The Greatest Show On Grass™. I have no idea what ad agency came up with that slogan, but it stuck somehow. My dad managed to get a few tickets to the Open this weekend and offered to let me and a couple of friends go. I had never been to the Open before, but I had heard stories and wanted to go. Unfortunately, Best Friend Arthur was supposed to be in Los Angeles this weekend, and I had no idea where Best Friend Derek was. That meant that it would be just Dad and me. We went out to breakfast, and then he went shopping for pants while I waited. While he was shopping, we discussed the Open. He asked if I had ever been, and I answered in the negative. He started whining about how crowded it would be, and how noisy it would be, and how drunk everyone would be, and how it wasn't really about the golf. He said that it was much better if you had VIP passes rather than normal passes. You would get to sit under a tent, and there was food, and you could actually see the golfers. He managed to talk me out of going to the Open this year with the promise that he would get VIP passes next year. It's amazing what a 43-year-old can accomplish with a little bit of whining, really.

We ended up seeing the movie The World's Fastest Indian instead. That was a funny movie. I still want to go to the Open, though.

After that movie, we hung out at the house for a few hours. Later on, we went to dinner at a bad excuse for a Mexican restaurant called Blue Burrito Grille (Asador del Burrito Azul). First of all, what is with this "e" at the end of the name? Is this a Mexican restaurant or a French restaurant? One of the items on the menu was called Macho Nachos. If such a thing actually existed in real Mexican cuisine, it would be called Nachos Machos, not Macho Nachos. Their "hot salsa" (salsa picosa) tasted and looked like tomato sauce and onion. Assuming that a soft taco actually exists in real Mexican food, my meal was the most authentically Mexican thing about the experience. The two soft tacos I ate consisted of a blue corn tortilla (☺), shredded beef (☺), onions (☺), tomatoes (WTF?), assorted cheeses (OMG), and lettuce (OMGWTFBBQ?!?). Guess what music they were playing. Taco. The greatest hits of Taco. Taco is not Mexican restaurant music; it's 80's flashback music.

After that debacle, we went to see another movie. This time, it was The Matador. It's a dark comedy featuring Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear. It was a really good movie, except you have to have a basic knowledge of the Spanish language or a keen eye for symbolism or both in order to understand the meaning of the title.

By the way, Best Friend Arthur didn't actually go to Los Angeles. Instead, he went to tonight's Suns game. I still haven't gone to a single one this season, mainly because I still live in Prescott for some reason. WHY?!?

That Is So Cottonwood!

2006-02-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

This week, the Prescott Teen Court visited the Cottonwood Teen Court. The case was boring and unnoteworthy. Inversely, the trip to Cottonwood was pretty weird. Freddie A. somehow started talking about his Coke bottle in sexual innuendo. "Don't spill it; I don't want to get it all over the place." "You know you want to touch my bottle." Then I became Pepsi, and it was a really sticky situation. I wish they hadn't put me in that position. It really rubbed me the wrong way. I bet they'll regret that decision in the morning.

We stopped at Wendy's on the way out of Cottonwood. Freddie A. commented that he liked my tie. I told him that I was going for a Reservoir Dogs kind of look. For the rest of the night, my nickname was Mr. Pink. I told him I preferred Mr. Blue, but then he told me I was Mr. Right Hand, and we were back to the Coke bottle thing.

Uhh, We Have Sort Of A Problem Here. Yeeeaaahhh, You Apparently Didn't Put One Of The New Coversheets On Your TPS Reports.

2006-01-31T21:38:00.000-07:00

Best Friend Arthur says, "damn, you rock too hard at DOA, you beat me like 5-3 and i had the game twice as long as you"

I'm just a master of the genre, what can I say. DOA, Mortal Kombat...Super Smash Brothers. I cannot be stopped.

Fitèna asks, "'Más De Mi Vida Extraña', translation please?"

"More From My Strange Life."

Fitèna also says, "Jack Bauer makes us laugh so much you wouldn't believe it!!! We have the frecn version here and the way he sounds when he says 'my name is Jack Bauer' is so pompous you'd cry laughing. We're still at season 2. 1 hour every saturday night! Some people from France Canal + went to view the making of and interview some of the actors (they interviewed the actress who plays Audrey). They said Kiefer Sutherland is a racist (?!)"

Actually, I think he's pretty funny too, even if the show isn't supposed to be. I had never heard that Kiefer might be a racist, but I guess it's plausible. Hmm.

Atpanda says, "Man, forget the Freemasons. You've got something WAY scarier up there in Prescott. The Door. Have you not heard of it? Type in 'The Door Prescott' on Yahoo (not Google because they cater to communists) and see what you find. Seriously scary stuff. I've heard they lure young people into underground rooms where they learn about the church."

Ah, yes. I've heard of them. Every once in a while, they come to my school and pass around flyers for something called "Prescott Underground", which I find funny because I already knew what that was all about. They advertise a big party and a local rock band, but then they lock up the doors behind you as you enter, and then they do the cult thing. It's pretty creepy.

Atpanda also says, "OK, and also: you do NOT live in the butt of Arizona. There's WAY worse places, like Tucson per se. But I have to say, there's a lot of, um, ODD people in Prescott.

"Oh, and by 'Odd' I mean 'interesting'. ;-) Just messin with ya."

Trust me, odd is the better word. If you live in Prescott and you're not a senior citizen, chances are you are a hippie or a goth. I've lived in Prescott for over four years now, and I think I had enough of it about 49 months ago. I would die for Tucson. Okay, not really, but hyperbole helps make my point really clear.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Mr. Fenderson got three more new lab assistants in the same hour as me at the beginning of this semester. Ever since these people started showing up, I've noticed that Mr. F has been treating me differently from them. He's giving me bigger responsibilities and more of them. When he gives them responsibilities, he always tells me to tell them about it rather than him telling them himself. He also tells me to instruct them on how to do the bigger chores until they get the hang of it, at which point I am to let them take over completely. He also tells me to keep a close eye on them and to make sure they stay on task. Since I had a written math contest today that took about an hour longer than it needed to, I had plenty of time to contemplate my situation. After some deep meditation, I discovered what I had become.

Middle management.

Yeeeeaaahhhh.

Ladies and gentlement, meet the next generation of white collar. Even though I despise the fact that I know I've become the unofficial superior and they know I've become the unofficial superior, it's kind of nice. I get to make fun of the other assistants behind their backs and in front of their backs. Whenever I get lazy, I get to pass the work on to them and relax all hour. If I want to go somewhere, Mr. Fenderson lets me forge my own pass. He even taught me how to do his initials. The best part is that I am still guaranteed an A grade no matter what I do.

Más De Mi Vida Extraña

2006-01-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

Weird. I was just playing one of my Xbox games. When you play this game online, it matches you with other people randomly. I think I got matched with my cousin in Pennsylvania in one game. I was playing and noticed something. "Wait, Jman5670? That name seems familiar." I thought about it throughout the entire game, and I finally realized that it was my cousin's name. I think. I'm not sure. I sent him a friend request and a message that says, "u ****** mulholland?" I didn't even know he had an Xbox 360. I guess I technically still don't, but he might. I tried Googling, Yahoo!ing, and MSNing that screen name, but I didn't find anything. I guess I'll find out eventually. If Jman5670 is reading this, please tell me if you are or are not my cousin.

Just a thought: Is it just me, or has Jack Bauer become much, much more violent in this season of 24? I mean, he threatened to cut this guy's eyes out one at a time, and then he threatened to do the same with his tongue, then his ears, then his nose, then some other stuff. I'm actually somewhat surprised that he didn't offer the other stuff earlier, though.

We've begun a lab on springs and pendulums (pendula? pendulae? penduli? I'll be studying Latin in college, I guarantee it) in Physics class. My lab group includes Sierra, Wells V., Paul R., and someone else. I shall call that fourth person "Maysure Girl" by the way she pronounces the word "measure". As seems to be the tradition whenever I do a lab, I totally messed up the calculations in the initial steps. I never have problems with this kind of thing while doing book work, yet the moment I get my hands on a weight or a piece of string, everything goes down the hole. Fortunately, we were able to readjust everything to account for my mistake and catch up with everyone else before the end of class.

Mama made some sweet potato fries today. They're tasty.

Freemasonry is big in Prescott. For those who don't know much about Freemasonry, you're not alone. Most of the suspicion surrounding Freemasonry comes from the fact that Freemasons are so secretive. I actually know nothing about Freemasonry other than their symbol has a compass, a ruler, and a seriffed capital letter G. I just thought I'd mention that. I don't know why. Maybe because I Wikied the phrase "Novus Ordo Seclorum" and that lead me to a Wikipedia article about conspiracy theories and Freemasonry, and that made me think of all those weird Freemasons around my school. I mean, two of my old math teachers are Freemasons, and I have no idea what to think of them.

Another weird fact about Prescott: The bridge on Montezuma street that crosses Granite Creek is called the La Guardia Bridge. I've seen the sign that says "La Guardia Bridge" many times before, but I haven't taken an interest in it until recently. I started to wonder why a bridge in Prescott, Arizona was named after a Depression-Era mayor of New York. I did a little research and discovered that the bridge isn't named after Fiorello La Guardia; it's named after his father, Achille La Guardia. Achille is credited with bringing the art of music to a then (?) cultureless Prescott when he was stationed there with his family by the army in the 1890's. As it turns out, he was a very popular musician, but not a very popular person. Honestly, he seems like a very boring person. I found more intrigue from the fact that I am a student at Fiorello La Guardia's alma mater. I mean, I live in the butt of Arizona, and yet I go to the same school as La Guardia.

And to think, if I hadn't moved up here, I would be going to Curt Schilling's school instead (INSIDE JOKE kind of not really). Did I mention that I met Curt Schilling a long time ago, when he played for the Phillies?

Funny story: I was once on a first name basis with Sammy Sosa. From 1997-1999, my dad was employed by the Chicago Cubs. I first met Sammy in the summer of '97. Cool guy. People are really too hard on him about the corked bat and the steroid scandal, as they are to everyone else implicated in the whole BALCO thing. Anyways, I also know Barry Bonds (not a nice guy), Bert Blyleven, Tommy La Sorda, Mark Grace, Eric Gagne, Torii Hunter (totally awesome guy), and a whole mess of other famous baseball people. It's nice to have connections sometimes.

One more thing: my father now works for the Diamondbacks. The Arizona Diamondbacks. That means that I will be spending a lot more time down in Phoenix this summer.

That is all. I need to get all this caffeine out of my system now.

Jesus Juice And Christ Crackers

2006-01-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

Fitèna asks, "Hey GS, I asked J* but he suggested asking u. Remember you used to feature the music you're listening to and the books your reading in ur sidebar? How do I go about doing that?"

I will write a post explaining how to do that within the next few days, once I figure out how I did that myself. I forgot how I did that, but I'm sure I can figure it out again.

J. Star says, "It is a cryin' shame you don't want to be a doctor for fear of digging for someone's saphenous with a chain saw, because you obviously know your stuff (re: those cat pictures, which brought me back to the days when my lab partner and I annihilated a poor creature we'd named "Bill the Cat" and whose insides, after we were finished with him, must have resembled the insides of the Berkely Breathed creation). (That was a long-ass caveat.)"

You have no idea what kind of demons live inside my head. My cat last year was named Soggie, in spite of the fact that he wasn't actually moist. In fact, he was quite dry. If Mr. F ever gets around to issuing us lab assistants our own cats, I'll pick out a female and name it Linda (INSIDE JOKE).

Ah yes, the weekend post.

I woke up early this morning (i.e. 10:00) in order to watch the Suns' morning game today. Like I told Best Friend Arthur, it's Sunday, it's the east coast, it's ridiculous. Tip off was at 11:00, and the Suns promptly started whipping the Cavs for the first three quarters. Then the fourth quarter came. The Bron negated the Suns' 18-point lead and gave the Cavs a win, thereby making the Suns look horrible on a national scale. This always seems to happen whenever the Suns have a game on national television. Now we've got such experts as Bill Walton and Scottie Pippen thinking that they're unworthy. Plus, add in the fact that Charles Barkley and Stephen A. Smith hate the Suns no matter what they do, and it makes absolutely perfect sense that Shawn Marion isn't a superstar. Oy, Charles Barkley and Stephen A. Smith. You know that saying, "Speak softly and carry a big stick"? Those two speak so freaking loud (figuratively, yes, but mostly literally [seriously, have you ever NOT heard Stephen A. Smith screaming that he's right and you're wrong?]) that they don't even need a stick.

Yesterday, I got a craving for Snapple, so I managed to talk Mom into escorting me to the Pornographic Costco (INSIDE JOKE). There, I got a 24-pack of various Snapple flavors, and she got a really big bag of baked shit-take mushrooms. I always seem to go to Costco on Saturday, which is the day when all the Free Sample People come out. The free samples at my Costco have the same proportion of largeness to normal free samples as the rest of their merchandise. I always leave that place with a full stomach. On this trip, I dined on spinach salad, pierogies, tacos, and chocolate chip cookies, all completely gratis.

I've been playing Dead or Alive 4 online on the 360 all weekend. I'm starting to get to the point where I've become too good at this game. In other words, I'm beyond the realm of Casual Gamer and entering the realm of Obsessive Gamer.

Survivor: Exile Island premieres Tuesday. That is the only reality show that I enjoy. I would rather bathe in a vat of molasses and kangaroo urine than watch American Idol, especially the beginning-of-season audition episodes (although the one where Paula got into a cat fight with one of the auditioners was pretty damn funny). I liked The Apprentice in its first season (Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, thou art great), but I haven't been able to get back into it since. And you all know how I feel about any reality show FOX releases (Forever Eden, Joe Millionaire, The Swan...I've seen them all and dislike them all). Nope, Survivor is the only one I will watch.

Hasta mañana. Ojalá que regresen.

You Have GOT To Hear This

2006-01-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

Pandora.

This is one of the most awesome websites ever, and it's free. Wow.

Major props to labmonkie for bringing this up on her blog.

Los Gatos, Volume I

2006-01-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

W
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T
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P
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C
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G
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S
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As promised, I have finally been able to get some photos of the cats of Mr. Fenderson's 1st hour class. Most of them are pretty blurry because the autofocus on my digital camera isn't very good and I have shaky arms. Still, you should be able to get a general idea of what's going on.

These first two photos were taken of Ashley R., Kayla G., and Courtnee K.'s cat. Their dissection is almost perfect, except for one part. See that green thing sticking out of the bottom-right portion of the diaphragm in the first photo? That's the liver, and it shouldn't be sticking out yet. They cut a little bit too far south, but other than that it's a good thoracic dissection.

The blue on the lungs comes from blue latex that was injected into the veins. Veins rupture much more easily than arteries because they are much thinner, so it's not uncommon to find blue latex all over the place.

If you look at the second photo, you should notice that the muscles on the inside of the ribcage are shinier than most of the other muscles. This shiny area is actually a sac that surrounds each lung that's called the parietal pleura. Covering the lungs themselves is another sac that isn't as visible called the visceral pleura. The space between these two sacs is called the pleural cavity. When a person starts to breathe heavily and hyperventilate, the two sacs rub up against each other and become inflamed, causing chest pains. This is called pleuritis.

This cat belongs to Erika S. and Rebecca A. See that brown and white thing in the right-center of this photo? That is this cat's liver. This seems to be a popular mistake this year.

This is Keelan C. and Brendan C.'s cat. Note the light brown object peeking out from under the diaphragm right-center of this photo.

Here's Tim B., Kelsey C., and Megan S.'s cat. These people are experts. Not only did they manage to expose the liver before allowed to, but they also exposed the stomach and part of what's called the greater omentum. The greater omentum is a big sac made entirely of fat that covers all of the abdomenal organs. When you get fat, the greater omentum is where most of it goes.

This is Katie S. and Kelsey K.'s cat. As you can see, they managed to artistically leave the sternum attached to their cat. It might look pretty, but it's covering up the heart, so it will have to be removed soon.

You may have noticed that there is a large amount of fat covering each of the cats' hearts. This is normal. There is another sac (mammals have lots of sacs) surrounding the heart called the parietal pericardium. Inside this sac is a large amount of fat which helps to lubricate, warm, and protect the heart. This fat is innocuous. It's fat that is actually inside of the heart and major blood vessels that causes problems.

Here's the cervical region (neck) of Heather C. and Ashley S.'s cat. The larynx is beautiful, but they basically annihilated all of their cervical blood vessels. That's really going to suck for them when they get to the circulatory system in a few months. The big tube going down the neck in the middle of the photo is the trachea. Just north of the trachea is the thyroid cartilage, AKA the Adam's apple. On either side of the trachea just south of the thyroid cartilage are the thyroid glands. They control a lot of stuff, including blood calcium levels and parts of the fat production process. You can't see them very well in this photo.

This concludes our tour of the feline thoracic and lower cervical cavities. Join us again in a few weeks when we journey into the strange and exotic world of the peritoneal cavity. You'll see fat, sacs, reproductive organs, and so much blue latex that your hand might get stuck.

Fat Man On A Little Turtle

2006-01-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

We've been learning about Renaissance art over the last few days in History. Yesterday, Mrs. Bunch lectured us on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Renaissance Artists. You know, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael. We also learned about Master Splinter de Medici and the evil Pope Shredder X. Today, she showed us a slideshow from her trip to Italy a few years ago. Among the slides was a picture of this statue.

This is called "Bacchus Riding A Turtle", and it's in Florence. It is an actual statue that was actually made in the actual Renaissance. As you can see, it's also a fountain. Those Italians are so funny sometimes!

The underlings got to experience one of my favorite activities in Anatomy class today: Rib cracking. There's just something about the sound, sight, and sensation of bones snapping that makes me smile and giggle. No wonder one of my psychiatrists said that I'm mentally unstable. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to become a doctor when I'm older. I don't want to be tempted to become the kind of person who abducts people and uses them for unethical experimentation/personal amusement. For some reason, I imagine myself saying, "Let me study your great saphenous!" and then pulling out a chainsaw. It would be hilarious if not for the fact that I might actually do it.

On that same line, I promise promise promise pinkey swear cross my heart hope to die with a cherry on top that I WILL have photos of cats with open thoraxes (thoraces? thoraex? thoraxia? I swear, one of these days I will learn Latin) To. Morr. Ow. Just thought I'd alert/warn you before you come here and see about 53 kinds of nasty without notice.

Holy Crap

2006-01-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the news right now, and I just saw that one of the people who is in a few of my classes at school has been arrested for 18 charges of kidnapping and rape. No, I'm not kidding. Seriously, I saw his face and heard his name; it's him. This guy who sits (used to sit, rather) two seats away from me in Spanish class has been arrested for 18 serious felony counts. Holy shit. This student government, soccer team captain, Mormon who is one of the nicest, coolest people I know is accused of raping 18 kids at summer camp. Oh my god.

What Ho!

2006-01-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

What's this? THREE podcasts? But there were but two just yesterday!

Yet another podcast featuring excellent electronic music has managed to sneak its way onto my iPod. Listen to Vinyl Escape if you are one of the few people in the world who actually has the same taste in music as I do. You will not regret it in the morning.

Another Pointless Weekend Post

2006-01-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

Suley says, "I'm still getting scores of Japanese searching for pictures of zhang ziyi."

You should be thankful. Around here, if readers aren't searching for "saphenous", they're searching for "penis monkey ninjas".

Adeline asks, "spongemonkey?"
Spongemonkey.

Apparently, it's now time for my compulsory weekend post. Let's get this over with.

The Suns are playing against the Supersonics in 2nd overtime right now, and I really wish they would stop this nonsense. They've already had two triple-overtime games this season, which equals the number they had in franchise history before this season. Right now, the Sonics are up 149-147 with 22 seconds left. The last game in NBA history with 300+ total points was in 1995. If it wasn't for the fact that they're the coolest play-by-play duo ever, I would've killed Tom Leander and Dan Majerle a long time ago, they're so obnoxious. Boris Diaw just fouled Ray Allen, so now the clock is stopped at 2-ish seconds, and the Sonics have the ball with the game tied at 149.

Meh.

So now the Suns are 6-1 in the newly renamed US Airways Center, and I'm off to bed.

Weird Ways People Get To My Blog, Vol. 1

2006-01-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

One of the cool features I get now that I use Stat Counter is the ability to see how people get to my blog (i.e. what pages people come from, what keywords people search for in order to get to my blog, etc.). Surprisingly, most of the new readers who come to my blog come from some pretty weird places. So weird, in fact, that I decided I had to share them for the sake of comedy.

THE GREAT SAPHENOUS' WEIRD WAYS PEOPLE GET TO MY BLOG, VOLUME I

From erotica-for-you.blogspot.com (January 7, 2006)
MSN search "thirsty sexy lady", ranked #8 (January 8, 2006)
Google search "tearoom jock blogs", ranked #30 (January 18, 2006)
Google search "sexy danka", ranked #1 (January 19, 2006)
Yahoo! search "rentatire.com", not ranked (January 19, 2006)
AOL search "telenovela sonar no cuesta nada spoilers", ranked #3 (January 19, 2006)
From hotguyblog.blogspot.com (January 19, 2006)

Wow, some of you people are even more disgusting than I. You should be ashamed of yourselves. How dare you!

In other news, I do believe it's time for another round of blogrolling. I would like to introduce you all to CALL ME SNAKE by Steve Nadis, .;misfire by Chris, and Not A New Yorker. It's simple: Just click and enjoy! Imagine that!

Waiting To Inhale

2006-01-18T23:56:00.000-07:00

Best Friend Arthur asks, "so... did they ever get fucked gently with chainsaws?"

I wish.

Historical movie about Martin Luther featuring Alfred Molina in History class this morning. From what I can tell, it's pretty historically accurate.

The underlings are beginning the internal dissections of their cats this week, starting with the pharynx and respiratory system. One of my favorite parts of the dissection is opening up the cat's torso for the first time and seeing the lungs and pericardium. After the lungs become visible, we insert a straw into the cat's larynx and blow, thereby inflating the lungs. Invariably, someone always ends up inhaling and receiving an uncomfortable amount of embalming fluid/coagulated blood/fur/nasty mystery liquid. A classic.

I went to Quizno's for lunch, and what a treat that was spongemonkeys. The coolest part was that they were playing reggae and dub inside. I mean, where have you ever heard dub inside a fast food place?

I'm off to watch the rest of Veronica Mars and then go to bed.

No Title

2006-01-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

Before you ask, I did have a title for this post when I wrote it, but then I thought about and realized that I might be going a little bit too far if I wrote it.

J. Star says, "Dang, y'all have weird weather."

You should've been here today. There was still snow on the ground, yet it was warm enough to wear shorts. Theoretically, one could have had a snowball fight in sandals and a T-shirt.

Muireall asks, "why are you having such a negative reaction to snow?...and where is Arizona?"

I just dislike winter and anything associated with it. Arizona is in the southwestern part of the US, on the border with Mexico.

Adeline says, "maybe you just need to wash your hands more?" Suley says, "Keep some of that Purell hand sanitizer handy." Fitèna asks, "Do you wash your hands? :-)"

I wash my hands so much that they might be more sterile than pure alcohol. A more likely problem is that I wash them too often. I guess I could run by Walmart tomorrow morning and get some Purell, though; I think I might be running low.

Today was Day One of what I like to call my Patch-Job Solution To A Failed Chemistry Experiment. If you'll recall, I dropped AP Chemistry about a week after I skipped 1st year to get into it because the class was too difficult. After I dropped it, I had a gaping hole in my schedule between Calc and Spanish. At the end of the last semester, I decided that I wanted to switch to a different English class, and it just so happened that there was an open one 3rd hour. I switched into that class, so now my schedule is just a little bit normal (I now have five classes, then a VERY long lunch [about two hours], then one more class that absolutely refuses to go away). My new English teacher--henceforth known as Mrs. BW--is a typical English teacher, and thank God. Janssen absolutely baffled the mind with his naïveté; I probably could have gotten what will someday be named "Ultra A" in that class if I had stayed. Why did I leave? Well, to sum it all up, there were these two girls who sat behind me named Alyssa F. and Kenzie E. who were junkies-in-training. They complained a lot, and every time something went wrong for them, they would say (and I quote), "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw." And they did this very often. You might say, "How could that possible drive a man to madness?" You weren't there, so you wouldn't know. Now, multiply that by 37, and you have the entire class in a nutshell. Bear in mind that I am giving these people very lenient (read: flattering) descriptions. And they never shut up. They just keep going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going. Which is why I got out as soon as I had my semester of credit.

As I said before, Mrs. BW is a normal English teacher. She's friendly, but only to a point. She's sympathetic, but she's also realistic. Luckily, I have had years of experience with English teachers, so I have a general idea of what it will take to BS my way through BW's class. As I've said on several occasions before, I don't work my way through school; I play my way through it. It IS all just a game to me. After years of practice, I have become the champion.

If there are any teachers out there reading this right now, you should be very thankful you don't have me as a student. I am very good at getting what I want. Muahahahaha.

The White Stuff

2006-01-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

I have a cold. Again. This is the fourth time this month. I think my mom and I just keep passing it back and forth; whenever I'm not sick she is, and vice versa. And before anyone says anything yes, I do know that that defies modern medical syntax, but that doesn't mean it's incorrect. Maybe I have some kind of rare immunological syndrome which is causing my lymphocytes to not work. Or maybe I have AIDS. No, I don't think I have AIDS. I don't do stuff that facilitates the transmission of AIDS.

I wish I could breathe without getting snot all over the place. It's really quite disgusting.

Oh yeah, one more thing. It snowed. Here. I think I might have jinxed it.

The Great Saphenous

Fin

Success?

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!!!!!!!

Get To It!

Humanity Is Funny

Fútbol Otra Vez

BOXMASTER 1000! The Latest In Flying Wooden Crate Technology

Fútbol

Japanese For "Yummy"

The Suns, They Have Set

Oasis > All

Slammin'

Agar And Aghast

Blogroll! Sweet Muffins! OR Fulfilling A Contractual Agreement Under The Best Friends Charter

Killing Me Softly With His Saw

Fauxhawkery

Bad Luck And Extreme Misfortune Will Infest Your Pathetic Soul For All Eternity

D-Backs 5/21/06

World War I: Done To Death

Trescientos

A Message To My Readers

Monday Is A Very Dangerous Day

Look At Me! I'm Trendy!

This Post Will Self-Destruct In Five Seconds

Ass Probe

The Droppings Make It Even Better

Thursday Is A Very Dangerous Day

Un Buen Dia

Bobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobo

Pussy Pussy

Just Blogging For Blogging's Sake

Mmm, Tasty!

What People Said About My Red-Orange Hair

Flu-In-U-Enza OR Stooping To The Level Of Plagiarizing Post Titles

Gripe

MILESTONES APPROACHING!

Passing Calculus

Just Another Eediotic Monday

An Essay On Essays

Mockery!

El Amor Quiere Decir Nunca Tener Que Disculparse

April Fools!

A Hairy Situation

Yay, More Snow. Wait, That's Not Snow!

Where Did I Put My iPod? Oooooooh Yeaaaaaaaah.

I'm Branching

Enough Is Enough! I've Had It With These Snakes!

La Estupidez Académica

With Great Power Comes Great Annoyance

Those Crazy Brits!

Jee Darling, I Think Someone Puked In My Cup Of Tea

My Interesting Trip To Tucson

A Moment Of Pure Genius

OMG WOWIE ZOWIE!

Don't Pahk The Cah Fah From The Bah

Famous Last Words

My Half-Birthday Wish List

Nevaba

SCIENCE!!!

180 BPM

A Critique Of Pure Oscars: The Great Saphenous' Worst Post Yet

Movies

My Name's Buck, And I'm Here To Loiter

The Meme Of Fours

More Zombies

Lost In Ravenholm

NBA All-Star Saturday Night Mini-Recap

¡Esa Jevita, Esta Enterita Tiene Tremendo CULO!

Dr. Weirdlove OR How I Learned To Stop Caring And Love The Solitude

Lunch With Stacey

Even Water Under The Bridge Splashes

The Asshaberdasher

I Can't Think Of A Way To Include A Pussycat Dolls Lyric Into This Title

Fart Jokes Suck

Noob Saibot!

MEAT!!!

El Fallecimiento Y La Destrucción

That Is So Cottonwood!

Uhh, We Have Sort Of A Problem Here. Yeeeaaahhh, You Apparently Didn't Put One Of The New Coversheets On Your TPS Reports.